2011...full of Hello's and Good-byes

Good-bye 2011
Good-bye sports car, coaching bag, home ownership
Good-bye best friend across the street, hourly wages, my basketball girls
Good-bye sleeping in and date nights.....
Good-bye Uncle Tom, Chris' great-Aunts, and other loved ones.....

2011 came and went with a bang. It was full of adventures, difficulties, trials, hardships, milestones, memories and the most life changing moment of all....I became a Mom!

This time last year, we had our "Nugget Reveal" party and which we found out that God had blessed us with a sweet baby boy and a precious baby girl. Wow. Twins. One of each. How could we not feel blessed?

Now our sweet little boy is crawling everywhere, pulling himself up and trying to take steps. He has his 2 bottom teeth and trying to get in his top ones. He has had surgery, cardio visits, casts, numerous trips to OU Children's Medical and now....strept throat. He is a trooper. He carries the "Dean" (named after my dad) name well.:)

My precious baby girl is now quite larger than her birthweight (which was 4 lbs 1 oz). She is a social butterfly and loves to wave. The smallest things excite her and she has a smile that can light up the room.

2011 brought us excitement, joy, tears and smiles.
Little did we know that we would get to experience the NICU and PICU at ST. John's Hospital for several weeks. Little did I know that my children would never meet the most famous "Santa" of all.

Ironically, my children were born on April Fool's Day. 4 years earlier, I played a prank on my dad, texting him "I'm pregnant!" He was so excited....until I told him that it was just an April Fool's joke. Ironic. When P2 was born, our lives changed. I traded in my coaching bag for a diaper bag, my sports car for a SUV, my early nights and late mornings for just the opposite. But they brought more than change. They brought joy, smiles, excitiement and often tears (some of joy....some not so much).

In 2011, our lives also changed when Chris was finally offerend a certified teaching position. Something we had both wanted, and needed, and prayed for for so long. We took the leap of faith 3 days before school started. We listed our home. Our first home that we loved such much. We left our friends, our community and our jobs. We patiently prayed and God answered. God provided us a place to stay (thank God for parents), 2 certified jobs (first time in 5 years) and a person to lease our home to. Change can often be good. We miss our friends, who became family. But we know that God has a great plan for us and this is just part of his plan.

In 2011, we lost many loved ones. One that I still have a hard time dealing with is my Uncle Tom. My "Santa" was beyond amazing, above great and full of love. He worked hard, smiled big and gave amazing hugs. When we got the news in June, we had only been home from the hospital for a short time, but there was no doubt in my mind that we need to make the journey to say our "see ya later" to him. We piled up the luggage and crammed into the truck to make the journey. It was rough. It was hard traveling with 4 month old twins for 22 hours in truck. It was hard seeing our gentle giant just lay in a hospital bed hooked up to so many machines. It was hard trying to find the "right words" to say to my aunt and cousins. The day we lost him, 4th of July, was a very hard day on the whole family. We ventured back down to Florida for Christmas 2011 to bond as a family to mourn him. Christmas was such a special time because of his role as Santa.He is deeply missed and never forgotten. RIP Santa.

In 2011, we experienced change, loss, joy, heartache, confussion and so much more. But in all, God took care of us. He provided for us. He showed us the way when it was too dark for us to see.
As the babies are now only 3 short months to their 1st birthday, I can only hope and pray that God will continue to bless us, support us and encourage us.

So Hello 2012
Hello diaper bags, Mom mobiles, new opportunities
Hello long distance friendships, long nights, and lack of sleep...
2012...we welcome you and we continue to count our blessings, pray our prayers and smile through it all.
2012, I pray that you bring strength when we cannot seem to find it, healing for the wounded and heartbroken and joy to those who need it.

First Thanksgiving....

Where has the time gone? Since April 1, time has flown by. We have celebrated Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Halloween and now P2 first Thanksgiving. Our family doesn't have much of a Thankgiving Tradition. The past 2 years, Chris' has been at football practice helping prepare a team for the Play-Offs. Half of our family is 1300 miles away and they celebrate at my Aunt's house in Orlando, so we have usually been divided on Thanksgiving, with some going one way while other's head a different direction. I am thankful, however, that my mom has always been flexable and understanding and prepared a Thanksgiving meal on a day which works best for everyone. She never complains about having to fix the turkey by herself ( I have NO desire to learn or help prepare a turkey, not in my blood I suppose) but she does like it when we help with the pies and tarts.

This year, God has taught us to be thankful for so much, even the little things. For years we tried to have children, and then we were blessed with 2 babies, who were born prematurely. But we were thankful. We were thankful because even though we spent weeks in the NICU and PICU, we met wonderful nurses, had an amazing support system and our babies were healthy, so much stronger than others. Thankful. When we took the leap of Faith and moved back "home" without us both having jobs, we were scared, worried. But as we waited patiently, God provided for us. We went months without a paycheck, but thankfully we now have 2, full time, certified jobs. Grateful. We were concerned with leaving our wonderful friends behind, and even though no one can ever replace them, we have learned to reach out of our comfort zone and meet several new people. Blessed. Worried about not having someone to leave P2 with during the days mom had to work was a major hardship for us. I do not like leaving them. I worry, stress, overanalyze. But God had His hand in our lives and showed us the way to an amazing sitter who knows my fears. Wowed.

Be Thankful.
God works even in the smallest of ways.
Be Thankful that you:
-Have family who loves you
-have a HOME
-have babies who want to snuggle
- have a  car that  gets you from point A to point B
-have a  mom (or aunt) prepares the Turkey for your feast
-have a husband who has had the opportunity to coach and be involved in successful programs

Be thankful for your "Haves" and don't worry about your "have not's

Be Thankful. Count your blessings.

Falling Down....

Growing up, I was possibly the most uncordinated, clumsiest, ungraceful "athlete" you could come across. I could shoot a jumpshot, invented the "Ott Flop" and go 98% from the freethrow but I would be the one that fell in the lunch line, tripped over the imaginary line or fell out of my seat. Being coordinated (with the exception of hand/eye coordination at the plate) was not something I was blessed with. I often got bruises or skinned up knees for falling down.
Recently, I have been doing alot of falling. Falling as a person, struggling in a new workplace, failing as a wife and friend.....but gone are the skinned up knees and bruises. Hello crushed heart and devestated ego. Welcome to a life of uncertianty, uncoordination. Being new to a workplace in the middle of the year is a huge transition. Going from a fit, athletic body to a "I JUST had twins" body is confidence breaking. Transitioning from a Head coach to just being a 2nd grade teacher is ego altering.

It seems like my dreams have been falling apart and I am left with a tired, broken heart, mind and spirit. But then I remember I am not alone. I have someone who loves me, even with my mom jeans and teacher voice. I often forget that God made me a promise, a promise that He would always be with me. That even when I fall, time and time again, God is there, patiently waiting to help me off the ground and shake the dirt off.

Too often, it seems as if we have to fall "one too many times" before we remember to look up. To look up for the hope that we need, or for the peace we need to refill us and help us realize that we can do it and with each and every fall we become a little stronger....or in my case, more stubborn.

I know I will continue to stumble and fall, but deep down inside I know that what doesn't break me, only makes me stronger. I will not let the falls get me down. I will not let the falls break my spirit. I will not let the falls tire me or allow me to grow weary. Next time I fall, instead of looking around to see what caused it, I will look up and see God patiently sticking His hand out to me once again.....

Sir Parker Son

Dear Sweet Parker:
You love to snuggle and rock with your Pop. Your smile and laugh light up my heart and world. I cry every night we put on your Dobbs braces but I smile because I have seen such progress. Your teething process equals sleepless nights for us all, but I enjoy the moments we get to cuddle or when you reach up for me. The day you were born, you didn't breath on your own, and when the doctor told me about your feet, I felt like I had done something wrong. I cried for you, I hurt for you....you are my sweet little boy. My sweet 4lb little boy who now wears high water pants because in order for them to fit you in your tiny waist, they reach your shins. The day we first got you casted, I cried. I ached for you. But you are strong. You are so strong they had to put a stage 3 plaster on your cast because you would kick and kick. I hated holding you down. I hated finding out you had to have surgery. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Prayed that you would be ok. I prayed that I would be ok. God knew.God knew we would make it through Sir. God has been with us every step of the way. Through endless carseat tests, to cardiologist appointments, surgery, and now on to PT appointments, God has been with us every step of the way. God is in my heart sweet boy and I can only pray that I can one day instill Him in yours. You are now endlessly trying to catch up with your sister but you are more content to play in your bouncer or sit up by yourself and play with your rattle or football. You don't like to sleep in your crib unless you have your seahorse and "tig tig". But you are my sweet boy. Its ironic how much you look like Conner, with your light hair and ocean blue eyes. Its side splitting how much you laugh at your silly Pop and painful how good your grip is (especially when you pull my hair out in clumps!) I love you Sir Dean. I have many hopes and dreams for you. I still hurt for you, but as my prayers for you continue always,the pain slowly slips away and my heart is filled with joy, love and dreams for you.

I love ya big guy!

Love MaMaMaMa

Paygie Girl

"Paygie Girl, don't you know that I love you....."
(song lyrics stolen from EYB, adjusted by Dede and myself...)
My sweet sweet Payge Elizabeth,
you are 7 months old and "crawling" all over. You bang your head on tile floors, tv stands and baby equipment. You shrill like a dinosaur and giggle at my dancing. You love to swim in the bathtub and kick your legs like a little froggie. I will never forget the day I saw you, how worried I was when you wouldn't take a bottle and you kept spitting up, your precious purple and brown preemie onsie you wore in the hospital, how I cried because I didn't think you liked me, how annoyed you got when your brothers monitors kept going off, the day you pulled the feeding tube out and took a whole bottle so you could come home! I never want to relive the night you were hit in the head with a softball or when we had to hold you down for your CT scan. I love dressing you up, how active you are and that your eyebrows and stork bite get bright red when you are upset! I love you Paygie girl. I never thought I could handle a daughter, a girl...a girlie girl at that. But my heart melts everytime I hold you, or when you let me rock you or how you scream when I leave the room. I love you Paygie girl, and I never knew this kind of love before. You are a stinker, which makes you your momma's girl. :) You love your fruits, veggies, bottle...well you love food! You love squirming all over the place and you love your DeDe. You get a kick out of watching Pop singing and dancing for you and you even try to join in. But Payge, please never forget how much I love you. Please always remember that I prayed for you, before I even met you, and that I continue to pray and pray and pray for you. I pray that I can instill God and faith in your heart like DeDe did for me. I pray that you won't date or even like boys until your are 35. I pray that you will avoid HS drama and just play sports (or be in the band *sigh) and that you put 110% in everything you do. I pray that you have awesome friends like momma does and that you will never think my dancing or singing are "lame." I love you Paygie girl....Momma loves you and I thank God several times a day for blessing me with a sweet precious beautiful little girl. Thank you. Thank you Peanut for completing my world.

Love,
your mommy

What are your resources?

Last Wednesday night, at Church, Pastor Ray asked us what our best resources were? Instantly, I thought "my friends and my family are my best resources."
Some said their cookbooks, while others said prayer, but I stuck to my guns. Without my family and my friends, I would not be where I am today. Without my family sticking by our side when we struggled to become parents or helping us financially become parents, I wouldn't have P2. Without my friends calling, texting, praying or visiting while the babies were in NICU, I wouldn't have survived. My family, my faith, my friends. What more could you need? What more could you desire? What keeps you ticking?
I will never forget the day that we brought both babies home and a friend made a pallet in the babies floor to help us throughout the night. I will never forget a friend that came over daily, for 10 weeks+ to give me my injections. I can never forget my faith, that was instilled in me at such a young age, to help me overcome days of sorrow, days of pity, days of negativity.
So be resourceful. Find resources. Positive resources that help you survive, manage, go without sleep.

The Choices you make....

Today during church we sang "Amazing Grace," one of my dad's favorite songs, and God used it to teach me about choices. It hit me that often we choose to be busy and drive 70mph in a 55mph just to rush and hurry up to get somewhere.
We hear the phrase "Life is not a matter of milestones, but of the moments that make it up" but we tend not to take it to heart. We choose to hurry, hurry, hurry and feel the need to go, go, go.
That is not what life is about. Life is about enjoying the minute by minute, day by days. We choose to be too busy for family gatherings or dinners, and instead choose to clean or sort through things. Often when we choose to be too busy, we hurt others. We don't realize that sometimes we just need to stop and "smell the roses."
Life can get busy and often throw us in a whirlwind, but we can choose to slow down and enjoy every bit of it (even the dirty diapers and sleepless nights.) Its all a choice. Its all up to us. No one can force us to be too busy or not enjoy the small moments. Yes I (full time job and mother of twins) realize that life can pass us by, but we allow it to. Stop. Listen. Relax. Enjoy.
When the babies were in the NICU, I had two choices, and I often explored both. I could ask "why?" and cry or I could thank God for two blessings, two babies that were healthy and just fine...just 7 weeks early. The other night I asked my dad what he thought when he first saw the babies wheeled by in their incubator being whisked to the NICU and he replied "I couldn't believe how small they were, but I counted their toes, fingers, ears and eyes and when I knew they were all their, I knew they were ok." Right then and there he chose to believe that his first biological grandchildren were going to be fine....
So, life gives us choices. I can cry from exhaustion and frustration when Parker screams about his braces in won't sleep unless I rock him, or I can choose to enjoy the moment because one day soon he won't want to be rocked. I can be stressed out about taking two babies everywhere I go and the change of lifestyle, or I can choose to thank God for the wonderful double blessings He has given me. Its all how you choose to look at it. Its all a choice. Life is a choice and how you choose affects not only others, but yourself and outlook on life. Slow down. Choose to be happy and to allow God to work in your life. Choose to smile instead of cry. Choose to rock your baby just a few minutes longer and choose to say "I love you" to someone and mean it. Life passes us by so quickly and days are not guaranteed. Choose to make each and every minute count.

Busy...Blessings...Belief

It has been awhile since I have blogged, but life here at Hickory Hills is quite busy and breezy. Mom aka DeDe is currently sailing away in the Virgin Islands, football is still going strong and now basketball is in full affect as well as my new job! I will now be teaching 2nd grade at Foyil so Chris and I will both be back at the same school. Needless to say, it doesn't leave much time for blogging.

The babies are doing great. They love going to Pop's basketball scrimmages, hanging out with DeDe or going to the nursery at church. They however, do not like the nursery at the Rec Center, so that means mommy will have a belly a bit longer. Lol. Payge has graduated from rolling and army crawling to scooting and she will "crawl" one step and then fall down. Parker enjoys attempting to crawl...when his braces are off. We go back to the Dr on the 31st to see if he can just go strictly to nights with his braces. We are hoping so because he is such a different kiddo without those darn Dobbs braces on. We are making the great adventure of baby foods and have found out they do not like: peaches, green peas or bananas. We have been sneaking the peaches and bananas into their oatmeal in the mornings. I think they have currently picked on it because they are now sticking their noses up at it. Lol my sassy kiddos, guess I cannot deny them.

As we were driving home from one of dad's scrimmages yesterday afternoon, I looked in the back seat and I couldn't believe how blessed I am. I have two beautiful (they take after their daddy) healthy kiddos who are content 97% of the time, I have a husband who busts his tail at work and at home to take care of us, I have an awesome job surrounded by great people, a great support system of family and friends and a miraculous God who loves above all. Blessed. I used to say that I was lucky but I no longer feel that way...I feel blessed. Blessed beyond belief. How could I have done this, survived all this, with out my God? Without His unending love? There is no way. There is absolutely no way that I could have possilbly endured the past 6 and a half months with out the power of prayer, the support of loved ones and knowing that my Faith will help me through.

So even though we are busy busy busy here with the nuggets scooting and crawling everywhere, two full time jobs plus the endless amount of sports going on, I wouldn't change it for the world, because we are blessed beyond belief.

Tossing and Turning....

Gone are the nights of 8-10 hours of sleep-undisturbed, or the Saturday mornings of waking up at 10am, watching some College Football gameday and vegging out in your PJ's. Gone are the nighst of sponatneous dates, romantic unrushed dinners and wearing something that doesn't have spit up on it.....

Welcome to "Mommy hood." As I sit here, running on about 3.5 hours of sleep, about to start my new job, I can't help but smile. I can't help but laugh as I watch Parker grab the blanket away from Payge and shove it into his mouth-everything seems to make it there these days. I can't help but chuckle inside as Payge rolls all the way across the living room to steal a toy from her brother, or yank his pacifier out. These moments help me forget-for a tid bit- that Parker screamed for 3 hours straight last night-teething stinks!- or that Miss Payge refused to take a nap the past two days that I stayed home with her. Isn't life fun?!?

Last night, after Parker finally calmed down (because him and daddy made a palet and slept together), I couldn't help but let my mind wonder. So many questions, concerns, etc. come into my head and bounce around. When am I going to get that darn flu shot we all need to get? Should I take the babies to War Eagle? Why do people think it is necessary to come all the way across from somewhere to touch my baby? Or ask me if they are identical twins?? (HELLO?!?! One boy/One girl!! NO THEY ARE NOT IDENTICAL!!) Am I taking them out too much? How much sleep do they need? How late is too late for a nap? Man...these mommy questions and thoughts keep me up all night...tossing and turning.

No one writes a book about what to do if one twin is screaming and the other is sleeping....or what do you do if one baby is teething....or if both babies want to snuggle and you are home alone....or what if one baby dominates the other one and wont quit picking on the other one??? No one tells you these things, or prepares you. Instead....you get to toss and turn...all night long.

So self help books...or "what to expect books"...bite me. You are no longer wanted or needed, because apparently my babies are writing their own chapter and it is "Gang up on Mommy and overtake her."

So as I sit here, sleep deprived, but still with a smile on my face, I know that the tossing and turning will continue until the babies are, oh lets say 65? So, I will continue reading good books and FB at all hours of the night.

October First

The days of making out practice schedules, preparing pre season posters and speeches and setting up teams to scrimmage are long gone. October 1-the first legal day to practice school basketball. The day that for my entire life has been bigger than Christmas and more important than birthdays.

Well, this October first, we celebrated and rejoiced. This past Thursday we were at a softball game watching my brother coach when Payge, my sweet precious Payge, was hit in the head by a line drive foul ball. She was sitting in my mom's lap when Chris say the ball out of the corner of his eye and tried to stop it with a back hand. He blocked the ball but it then bounced off and hit Payge in the upper part of her head. Without Chris' attempt to slow down the ball.....well only God knows the damage that it could have done to my babygirl. We were rushed to St Johns ER in an ambulance and she was given a CT to see if and what the damagae was. Hours (and hours) later we were informed that she had a slight skull fracture and they were admitting us to Pediatric Intensive Care (PICU) where we had already spent 3 weeks of our lives.

After a night in PICU and then a night in Peds, we were told that Payge could go home and that we were lucky. I will go with the fact that we are blessed. Truly blessed. God, and Chris' state championship ring, saved my little girls life.

The babies celebrated their 6 month birthday today. A day that has approached rather too quickly. A day that was full of tears (from the setting and complete exhaustion) smiles and lots and lots of kisses and hugs. My two miracle Nuggets have been through so much in their short 6 months. We have had IV's, surgery, heart monitors, a trip to Florida for the passing of my Uncle, a move "back home" to Hickory Hills with Dede and Pop, an ambulance ride and oh so much more.

October first has come and gone. A day that my whole life used to revolve around. A day that I looked forward to and prepared for. I miss my girls. I miss decorating the locker room, timed miles once a week, setting up a scrimmage schedule and coaches clinic. But I wouldn't trade my life of rattles, breathing treatments, sweet potatoes and pre digested formula for the world right now.
So, October first, thank you for helping me realize that even though I miss it, there is more to life than airing up new basketball, sweeping the gym floor and pulling the practice jersey's out of storage. Thank you for opening up my eyes to "mommy hood" even thought I have ego issues at times about no longer being a "head coach" I know that my love for the game is deep in my heart and the passion I have for basketball will be passed on to the two that have made me realize that EVERY day matters and should be cherished, enjoyed and soaked up.

So, October first...you can keep your freshly waxed floors, your squeeky ball cage wheels and shoot aways-I will take my job as Head Mommy for now....but we will meet again one day....and I promise you that.

WC ladies-play hard and play smart and remember "do the little things right"

My brother, My friend

24 years ago, God blessed me with an amazing little brother. At the time, I was not content with a little pesky brother, and wanted a puppy. I got one, but the puppy didn't make the crying red headed terror go away. I tried giving him away at Wal Mart...and when Mom told me that wasn't nice, I tried selling him for a penny.

Many times throughout the years, the red headed, big eyed, brother of mine caused me some pain and grief...like when we stuck my face to the couch while my parents were gone, or after I struck him out and he chased me with a red plastic bat and hit me in the head. But also, many times throughout the years, he has been there for me, to help me or bail me out of a bind, like when I needed some fast cash to tow my car or when he didn't agree with someone I was dating.

No longer are the days that we argue or compete (no we still occassionally tatle on each other but its sibling love).No longer are the days that I look at him and cringe when he is crying, instead we lend each other a shoulder, or when him and mom may disagree, I try to play a mentor to him in the situation instead of running to mom and telling what he said or did.

As I watch my brother coach softball, work on lesson plans and play with the babies, I realize that God blessed me with a great brother and an amazing friend. God knew we would have each others temper, love for sports and competition, but God also knew we needed each other. That is why DJ never sold at Wal Mart, or why the injuries he sustained from me pushing him out of a chair, or putting him in the dryer were never intense or severe, because God knew that my ornery, red headed, spit fire of a little brother would someday become one of my best friends. He knew that I would need him in life, especially when I brought Payge home and Chris was still in Fairfax, DJ took the midnight to3am shift and rocked Peanut for me so I could sleep. So I am thankful and grateful for a little brother that is not so little any more, but has now grown into a charming, smart, handsome and soft hearted young man who I am proud to call my "little brother". 
I love you Uncle DJ

Happy Birthday

I have been putting this post off and putting it off, and I honestly thought I could make it to his birthday on Saturday, but every day I am fighing back tears, so I here it goes....

3 years ago (on September 17), God blessed the world with an amazing little boy. A little boy who had touched more hearts than he will ever know or remeber. A little boy that taught me how to be a mom and to open my heart and my eyes. I will never forget "Thunder" (a nickname my brother game him because of his legs, lol). I will never forget those 6 weeks that he made me "Mmmmma" and Chris "Dada". I will never forget the well he fit into my arms, the way he only liked Chris giving him baths, his favorite orange sippie cup or our first Thanksgiving with him. I will always fight back the tears when we drive past Sand Springs McDonalds, where we first met him. I will always laugh at his jacket, it said "Future Quarterback" and if you ever met him, you would know that he was not built like a quarterback, but more like a lineman! :)
I will never forget his rocking horse and how much he loved it-thank you Grammy Jackie.
Everytime I see a Christmas ornament out of place, I will think of him and how we used to hide the ornaments around my parents house.
My heart aches for him. I know he would have been an amazing big brother to the nuggets. I know that he would be all over the house, up and down the sideline and down at the barn with my dad. But he's not. One place he will aways remain, is in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or pray for him, or kiss the charm that Britt got me off him.
3 years ago, he was born to a mom who wasn't quite sure if she wanted him or not. 3 years ago, God created someone who helped me and taught me and blessed me. In 6 weeks, Thunder made me a better person. In 6 short weeks, God showed me how caring and loving a small town can be. Clothes were brought over, helping hands were given, and love was shown, all because of a little boy that was born 3 years ago. A little boy who will never know the impact he made on so many peoples lives. A little boy whose smile could light up the sky, a little boy who loved Christmas lights, dancing to music and his "Fairfax Nana." I loved him as my own. I loved him more than I thought I could. I loved him, and thought God was going to make him mine. But God had other plans....
I went from sad, to angry, past hurt, to understanding....(and not that quickly). I hated, I cried, I fought, I finally got it.
God used him to teach me, and to help me grow. I wanted him. I wanted to be his mommy. I wanted to watch him grow and provide for him in so many ways, ways that I am not sure he will have.
But God had other plans.....
God still wanted me to learn and grow.....but in other ways.
So, Happy Birthday buddy. I will never forget you, or your sweet blue eyes, or how you would stand at Nana's door and cry when "Dada" dropped you off, or the picture of you in your santa hat, or how you loved only the meatballs when I made spaghetti. I will never forget your first trip to Bass Pro, or your orange sippee cup, or how Pop let you drink Diet Mt Dew out of his QT cup. I will never forget watching you play with Patrick at the school in the gym, or on the playground at McDonalds or how Jumps made your poop neon green! :)
I love you little guy, and that is why this week has been hard on me. I pray for you, and please know that I will always love you and pray for you.
Happy 3rd Birthday!

Never grow up...

Wow. So much has gone on since I blogged last. Parker has gone from casts to Dobbs braces. Yes, they suck. They have been such a huge transition for us and the little guy. He does not like them at all. So far he has had major blisters, blood blisters and discoloring in his legs. When he screams and kicks while I put them on, I feel like the worst mom in the world. I literally have to walk away when I am done to gather myself so I don't break down and just pull the stinkers off his feet and throw them in the trash!! My mom keeps telling me that it is helping him in the long run, but the day to day is so hard when he screams in pain.

We have also experienced our first "colds" with both babies, and they are starting to cut teeth so life is eventful here at Hickory Hills.

Some upsides, we have tried oatmeal and carrots...they hated the carrots but enjoyed the oatmeal. They are attempting to hold their own bottle, and do so, for a very short time. We have transitioned from our 0-3 and 3 month clothes to our 3-6 and 6 month clothes. I never thought my premiee babies would be weighing 15.2 and 14.9 lbs respectedly. We have come such a long way from 4.1lbs and 4.12lbs .

Every night the babies listen to a CD that their TT made them, and the very last song is "Never grow up" by Taylor Swift. I used this song on my Pre K video last year, and now as I listen to it night after night, the words really begin to hit me. Life passes us by so quickly. Our snuggle bugs grow up and no longer want to be rocked to sleep, Our premiee outfits are soon stored in boxes in the garage, size 2 diapers become a little tighter and suddenly "we grow up."

I don't wish for my babies to grow up. I look forward to the milestones and memories that they will soon have and I have goals for them to one day accomplish, but for now, I will enjoy the millions of dirty diapers, the spit up, the bath times, the late nights and early mornings, for now, I will wish them to not grow up, and to keep enjoy the quiet moments that they are curled up on my chest, without a care in the world....

I love you babies and "I won't let nobody hurt you...just try to never grow up"

Peace and Quiet

"Be Still and know that I am God."

Parent's of newborns long for peace and quiet-a night of no crying and a solid 5-6 hours of sleep.
Neighbors of dog lovers long for a night of no barking, a peaceful rest.
Teachers run home in hope of a few minutes of no screaming kids, or questions, they long for just a few minutes of quiet time.

We all LONG for peace and quiet. For a moment or two where we can gather or thoughts and rewind from the day. But, what if the peace and quiet only brings hurt? What about those who come home after a long day at work or with friends, to an empty home? What if the quiet brings tears because a loved one is gone? Or a friend is no longer in arms reach? What if peace and quiet doesn't help everyone?

Aunt Boo, I can't imagine walking into your home and not calling for Uncle Tom. But you are a strong woman, a woman of Faith, and you must know that even in the darkest of hours, God is with you.
To my friends who have lost babies, I can't imagine being in your shoes or how hard your daily struggles are, but know that God is your peace and strength whenever you need Him.
Miranda, when I look out across the street and no longer see your porch light or car in the drive, I know that God made us friends for a reason and He will continue to bless us with an amazing bond.

God is with us when our mind wonders...God gives us strength during the peace and quiet. He renews us and fills our heart and mind with His power and love. When we need a cry or two (or a week full of it) or when we need a little uplifting, we are reminded of God and His amazing grace for us and the love He has for us. When we begin to ask  the "why me's" or "how comes" (which we all do at times, and it is only human of us to do so) God doesn't turn His back. God doesn't give us direct answers. But God tugs on our hearts and after we ask our questions, and shed our tears, He REMINDS us and He RENEWS us.

God stepped down from darkness to be the light that we need in our lives so many times. He is with us when we are teaching 24 crazy kiddos, working a double, rocking a fussy baby or coming home to an empty house.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.  The Lord be with all of you.

Colossians 3:15

Blessings in Disguise

Yesterday at church, an amazing young lady sang a very beautiful song. A song that I found myself fighting back tears to. A song thats words were more than just words to me. She sang "Blessings" by Laura Story and I have to say that it is now one of my favorite songs. In the song it says:
"Cause what if your blessings came through raindrops,
What if Your healing comes through tears,
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near,
What if the trials of this life are mercies in disguise?"

Well God, once again you tug on my heart, your right hook me in the face and you welcome me to realization. Realization that life is not perfect. Life has its ups and downs. Life is not sugar coated, or chocolate dipped, its life.

After every storm in life, there are blessings. So yes God, blessings do come from raindrops.
I have cried. Cried many many times. Cried when we lost Thunder. Cried when we struggled to get pregnant. Cried when the babies were born premature. But God...once again You were right there with me every step of the way. You healed me. You renewed my faith and my strength each and every time I cried.
When we toss and turn, and stress out over the uncontrolables in life, we forget. We forget that You are in control God. We forget. But, when you remind us, we feel you, we hear you and we know that you are near...we rest easily.
What doesn't break you makes you stronger. Trials become mercies. Hills you think you cannot climb become small speed bumps.

Each and everyone of us are faced with some type of trial in life. We struggle with our own thunderstorms and rainy days, but we must never forget, no matter how hard it gets or how down and negative we become, God is near. God is with us.God covers the blessings with disguises. He does so because life is life. Life is supposed to have its ups and downs and smiles and frowns. So when we pray for blessings, and for peace...God is near. God knows. God blesses.

Speaking of blessings, the babies started going to the sitter today. What an answer to prayers. It was something that I was losing sleep over, but God heard my prayers and knew my heart. He opened up a door for us and guided us to a wonderful "Miss Ashley" that will help with the babies a few days a week. The babies are doing great. They just got their 4 month shots the other day and we had a few "thunderstorms" to speak of but they seem to be back in their groove now. Parker goes back to the specialist the 1st of September to get out of his casts!! We are so excited. He will get fitted for braces and we will wear those for awhile. Payge is becoming sassy (Chris says like her momma). She loves to just talk and talk and talk. We have them hooked on "Super Why" cartoons as of now. :)
Thank you God for my blessings!!

Timelines

In History, you study the timelines-the time that events happend, the place they happend, when they ended, etc...
In Reading, you create a timeline-a time of sequences and events that happend, the setting, the characters, etc...
In life, you dream of a timeline-a plan you dream about, write in your journal about, insist it will happen, etc...

Well, my timeline in life has NEVER matched up with God's timeline and His plans for me. My "timeline" that I dreamed about had me living in my dream house, with 2.5 kids, a dog, and working in my dream job of being an Elementary Counselor.
Well, I am living with my parents, with my 2 kids, 2 dogs and my dream job is possibly going to be elimintated by the State Department of Education. Goodbye Timeline.

Chris has always wanted to be an Elementary PE teacher. But it was not in his timeline to get offered and hired 3 days before school started, where we would have to pack up and leave in less than a week. Goodby Timeline.

I had always wanted babies. God gave me babies, two very sweet babies. But they were on God's time. They arrived early but God had it in His plan. I would never put it in my timeline to have twins 7 weeks early with a complicated pregnancy, delivery and health problems. God knew. God had it written on His timeline.

I had dreamed of my "guy" for many years. I had searched for him. I was going to marry a tall, basketball player who was also a cowboy. Well...Chris is not very tall, doesn't really care for basketball and is the furthest thing from a cowboy. But God knew. God had it in His plans for me to marry someone who was kind, funny, sweet and loved me for me. God didn't give me Chris when I was ready, God gave me Chris when He was ready.

I went from being a Head Girl's basketball coach...living the life I had wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps for so long...to not coaching at all. Nothing. Nada. But God had it in His timeline for me to be a mommy.

God knows. God hears. God plans.
God knows we have Hope and plans for our future but God also knows what is best for us and the timing. God's timeline can outweigh any timeline you can study or come up with on your own.
So, God thank you for making me learn patience. Patience and understanding that even though I am impatient, You are not. Even though I am uneasy, you are my Rock and You are strong. Thank you God for your timeline and life and for being with us each and every step of the way.

Are you strong in the thunderstorms?

"When the storm of life is raging, and the thunder is all I hear, you speak softly to my soul."-Kutless "Strong Tower"

As I sit in the waiting room at OU Children's Medical, I can hear and feel God speak to my soul...because I am able to fight back the tears. I am able to remain strong and still in Him. I was able to not cry in front of Parker as the nurse took him out of Chris' arms and laid in down, in his hospital gown, into the surgery crib. I am strong because of God. I am strong because I have Faith. I am strong, because I am blessed.

Anytime you think about surgery, it is scary. Especially on a 4 month old...that is your own flesh and blood. But can you imagine your fears if you didn't have a faith? Can you imagine the thoughts and feelings you would have if you were buddies with the Devil? There is no way you could survive the thunder, or storms, or waiting rooms.

Like I have said before, I don't want pity for Parker. I hurt for him. I worry for him. But what mom doesn't worry about their child? Hurt for their own? But I do not pity him.

The babies were baptized Sunday at church. It was mine and Chris' commitment as well to promise and vow to raise these babies in a Christian home and instill Faith within them. I want my babies to grow up with the Faith I had put into my heart at a very young age by my mom. I want the Nuggets to grow up believing in the Lord and knowing that even in darkest of hours, the strongest of stroms, God is with them.

So, as we sit here during this "thunderstorm" we know that God has His hands on Parker. We believe that God is with the doctors, nurses and surgeons. And we feel God sitting here in the chilly, bad coffee, over packed with loud talkers waiting room. This is our thunderstorm and we shall soon see the rainbow.

How do you say good bye?

 Weezer says it best in their song "My Best Friend"
"When everything is wrong I come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue
You are such a blessing
And I won't be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all my darkness
You're my best friend
And I love you (love you)
And I love you (love you)
Yes I doo oooo
There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely
And I mean it when I tell you that I need you"

How do you say good bye to  friends that not only love you but loves your kids? That is willing to sleep on the floor your first night home with two new babies? That calls or texts when they know you are struggling? That helps you paint your nursery? That puts you before themself? That cleans your front yard when you are 8 months pregnant? That watches your babies while you pack? That baby sits for free or for Ramen Noodles? That host you a baby shower with overwhelming gifts? That make bows for every outfit your daughter has? That passes down clothes? That cooks your dinner or brings you leftovers? How do you say good bye to friends that know you better than yourself? That allow you to be yourself and not complain?
How do you say good bye to someone who is more than a former player...but has become a little sister?
How do you say good bye to someone who is more than a neighbor...but like another mother figure?
How do you say good bye to someone who is more than someone across the street....but a best friend, a sister?

Miranda, Tasha, Gabe, Emma and boys...I LOVE YOU! I may not be able to always express my gratitude for you all but I love you. That is all I can say without tearing up.
Anson gang- you are so awesome and I will miss everyone of you.
Pease clan-I can't even begin to start to express my gratitude to you. For the butt shots, for the helping hands, for the friendship.
To my basketball girls- you made my head coaching experience amazing. Thank you. Remember: Do the little things right.
To the Fairfax Community- thank you for embracing us and loving us and the babies. Your support, prayers and encouragment were greatly appreciated.

So, how do you say goodbye? How do you turn the page? How do you "move on?"
You don't. You just say "see ya later!"

Bitter Sweetness

Sour patch kids.
Orange juice after brushing your teeth.
Diet Coke with Lime.
Chewy Sour Lemon Heads.
Things in life often leave two different tastes in your mouth....

Well...once again, the babies are doing something that not every 4 month old gets to experience....we are moving. Chris got a certified job teaching Elementary PE and I am so proud of him. But, it is a bitter sweet experience. For the past two years, Fairfax has been "home." It has been a place, that for the most part, has welcomed us with open arms and open hearts. It has been a place where I got to experience being a head coach as well as an Elementary Teacher. It has been a place that has allowed us to grow on our own, out from underneath our parent's wings. But, it is time to move on in our journey. Time to continue to grow, but as a family of 4.

I HATE moving, with a passion. Luckily my parents have came down to help us, and it helps to have them with the boxes, but it doesn't make the pain in my heart go away. Again, this is bitter sweet. We have developed and established lifelong friends...extended family members. There is no way I can ever have better neighbors or baby sitters than I do here. BUT...Chris gets to do a job that he loves and has a passion for. A job that would not be available if we stayed here. I know that friends can continue to be friends, but the days of leftovers being passed house to house, milk being borrowed, baby sitters around the corner...those days are gone. But a pro to that heart wrenching con is that now the days that face us revolve around the babies and not a coaching schedule or season. Hello to the days of milestones and memories made that you can't begin to compare to scrimmages, Christmas Break practices or 2 a days.

So as I fight back the tears and write this, my friends know that this was the best decision for our family. My friends know that this is a hard choice for us to make. My friends are there to help with the babies or pack a few boxes. My friends understand. They feel my pain, and at the same time celebrate our joy.

Tangy Lemonade.
Sour skittles.
Raspberry sherbert.

Bitter Sweetness.

4 years ago...

Teamwork. Dedication. Commitment. Hard Work. Long Hours. Blood, Sweat and Tears....
If you know me all too well, you would think that I am talking about coaching...but I'm not. I am talking about marriage. It takes all of the above and so much more, like FAITH, HOPE and LOVE!

4 years ago, I married the "Man on my list." After having some, ok many, not so lucky relationships, my mom sat me down one night and said "sis, what do you really want in a guy?" I had never thought of it that way. I had thought "hmmm that guy is cute and taller than me...lets see if he is single." So after pondering my mom's question and really truly praying about it...I came up with a list. A list of very specific details of the qualities I wanted in the man I was going to marry...and I was not going to date anyone who didn't meet my list. I had all but given up on it, but I put it in my Bible and prayed and prayed and prayed......

One hot softball season, 5 years ago, my eyes wandered to the football coaches who had come to our !!game....the rest is history.. LOL (I don't have enough computer battery to write all the details :) !!)

When I said "I Do" to honoring someone "through sickness and in healthy" I didn't know that Chris would have walking phenomia 3 times in one year, that he would cut open his hand with a knife, or that he would get hit upside the head with a baseball while I was 7 months pregnant. When I said "I Do" to honoring someone "for richer or poor" I didn't know that Student Loans would consume 60% of our paychecks, that we would have house payments, electric bills and hospital bills... When I said "I Do" to someone "for better or worse" I didn't know that we would try and try and try to have children, that we would lose a "son" after 6 weeks, or that we would spend 7 weeks in the NICU with the children we were suddenly blessed with.  When I said "I Do" to "love and cherish" someone "til death do us part" I didn't know that it would take commitment, hardwork, commitment, long hours, blood, sweat, tears...but I did know that it would take FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE.

Without those 3, the past 4 years would not have been possible. Not only did I marry the "man on my list" but I also married my best friend, the father of my children, my assistant coach and someone I admire and respect for all his hard work, dedication, commitment, blood, sweat and tears. I married someone that God made especially for me. Someone to pick me up when I hit rock bottom, someone to sing to me when I am sick, someone to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. But, not only did God make Chris just right for me, He made him just right for Parker and Payge. He knew that I needed someone to lighten the mood during late night feedings, someone to pass on his GREAT looks to our children, someone to hold my hand in the doctor's office day in and day out, someone to sing to Parker when his legs are hurting or someone to rock Payge when she is fighting her nap. God created Chris to complete my life in so many ways.

So, 4 years ago, on a very hot August afternoon, when just hours before the wedding the AC went out in the Church, I danced with my best friend to a song that continues to play in our lives and our hearts:

"Ordinary, No. I really don't think so. Not a love this true.
Common destiny, we were meant to be. Me and You."

Happy 4 years Toph!

More importantly....

The babies turned 4 months old yesterday. Its hard to believe that 4 whole months ago our lives changed, titled and got completely rocked. Many of you know "our story" and how these babies are our precious miracles...but even miracles bring rocky times. Growing up, I was consumed with how my body looked. I didn't allow myself to eat certain foods because I didn't want them to make me fat. Typical teenager stuff you know, that was of course brought on by boys, "mean girls" and low self esteem. Well, its a good thing I over came those "body issues" because I no longer have time to worry about those things. I don't have time to work out all hours of the day, prepare only the healthiest of meals or look in the mirror for hours to critique my self image. I have more important things.

I also no longer have time to pick up the house every minute of the day, or do ALL the laundry in one afternoon, dust the entire house just because I feel like it. I would rather sit in the nursery with the babies or lay in the floor while they talk and laugh and giggle at me and to each other. I have more important things.

I used to worry about only shopping at the best places, wearing designer jeans, eating out at nice resturants...now my life is consumed of gym shorts, ROSS and Target and Hamburger Helper-if I am lucky and have the time to brown the meat...if not, a sandwhich it is. I have more important things to worry about.

Sports used to be in the top 3 of the most important things to me. Not saying it is not longer important, but now I am more concerned with the kids that I am teaching and coaching and the impact I have on them, not my win and loss record or how many errors we made in a game. I have more important things to focus on now.

The highlight of my morning is when I go in to wake Payge up. I say "Good morning Payge, are you ready to wake up?" and when she looks up at me she is smiling and laughs and kicks her chunky legs. To me, thats more important than sleeping in. The highlight of my evening is rocking Parker to sleep-he is my cuddle bug- and how he curls up to me and sighs because he is content. To me, that is more important than getting caught up on my DVR'd shows.

Becoming a mom is hard, stressful and long hours. I told my mom yesterday, "I wish stay at home moms could get paid." and she replied, "they wouldn't make enough." It is oh so true. Life can pass you by oh so quickly. I have learned that one day, Parker won't want to cuddle with me, that Payge wont like my singing or dancing and that all together at some point in both of their lives my kids will think I am stupid, dumb and embarressing. So, now as I sit here in the floor of their nursery, listening to Casting Crowns, singing and typing while both of them sit here smiling at me from their boppy pillows I have realized that there are so many more important things in life than what I have ever known before......

"I can only imagine....."

God Bless!!

Broad Shoulders

How broad are your shoulders?? Can you bear the weight of the World?  Jesus carried all of our sins on the cross...what can you carry in life?

People always say that "God will not give you more than you can handle." Sometimes we want to slap the people who say these words...but they are oh so true. God knows the weight you can bare and how broad your shoulders are...even when you may not. "My help comes from the Lord, Who made Heaven and Earth. He will not allow your foot to slip or be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber." Psalms 121:2-3

While we were in the NICU, I couldn't imagine not having a Faith. A Faith that let me know that my babies were going to be OK. A Faith that held my hand, that allowed me to cry as well as smile and a Faith that helped me rely on God when I thought I couldn't rely on my ownself anymore. Faith is the key. God is the answer.

When things are placed on our shoulders, we can turn to God for help or away from God in anger. We can ask "why" or "how come" or we can simply pray for help and guidance. God knows there are times we will be upset or hurt by the burdens life brings us...but He prays for us to return to Him.

Yes, Parker has casts and yes  it is hard watching them get cut off each week and holding him down while he gets new ones. The stares of strangers are even harder. But I don't want pity for Parker. I hurt for him. But I truly believe in my heart that God is making me and Parker stronger by this.

Yes being in the NICU and PICU was a struggle, but I truly feel that God knew I could handle it. He knew my shoulders were broad and that they stay at St. Johns was going to make me stronger. Stronger in my faith, a stronger mom and even a better mom because of it all.

God deals you cards in life. Each hand may be different but it is up to you to decide how you will handle those cards. Will you have broad shoulders?? or will you crumble? Either way, God is beside you each step of the way.
"Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you.He will never allow the rightoues to be moved. " Psalm 55:22

Journeys

Journeys through life require God to be in control. God does not promise us that life will be easy, or to always rush to our rescue, but He does promise to comfort us and to walk with us through every journey in life. Through out our lives, we will have many journeys. Journeys across the world, journeys that make us stronger and journeys that we learn and grow from. At the age of 3 months, the babies had to make one of these journeys....a journey that was 1300 miles.
Last Thursday, my Uncle Tom, suffered from a massive heart attack. We were not sure what the medical team would say quite yet, but we knew we needed to get down to Florida to see him and be with my Aunt and family. We weren't sure how we could get down there. With 3 month old babies, your life suddenly isn't the "pack up and go" lifestyle anymore....but that is what we did. I have driven/riden the "Florida Route" several times with my family, but this was my first time to make this journey as a mother. Let me tell you....Memphis and Birmingham are quite more intense at 3am when you have babies in tow. It was nerve racking and an emotional journey, but after 22 hours, we made it.

As we arrived at the hospital, I knew we had made the right decision to make the journey with the babies in tow. The smiles they brought to the faces in the ICU waiting room were priceless...but it didn't mask the real reason we had traveled such a great distance.

You may think that I was stupid or dumb or ignorant to make such a journey with two young babies in tow....but if those thoughts cross your mind, you didn't know my Uncle Tom. Uncle Tom aka Santa was truly an amazing man who brought a smile to everyone's face and laughter to everyone's heart. He was the kindest most easy going man you could ever meet. His greatest accomplishment in life was being Santa during the Christmas season to so many children who needed him. I saw him not only as my Uncle, or Santa, but someone who renewed my aunt and cousin Scotts life. Someone who gave them a new hope and upward look on a hurtful and painful past. Over the past 14 years, Uncle Tom gave so much to our family and his journey with us will never be forgotten.

It was a long and emotional week. It didn't hit me that he was gone until we were on our journey home and I looked at my two precious babies in the back seat who never got the chance to meet my favorite Santa. Christmas will never be the same for our family. But it will be a journey that we will have to know that God is there to comfort us and guide us. Uncle Tom had a wonderful journey here on this Earth and now he is with God and playing Santa for our the sweet children up there. My own children will here wonderful stories about their first journey to Florida to be with their amazing family as well as stories of my favorite Santa Clause.

As you continue your journey in life, whatever it may be, realize that everyone you meet...your are impacting. Also, if your journey begins to take a toll on your (because sometimes the journey's are long, hard or just overwhelming) never forget that God is there by your side to comfort you, hold your hand or just listen to you cry.

I love you Uncle Tom!!

Welcome to Motherhood

Well I am back at it again....
Some of you may think that I haven't blogged because I have been extremely busy with basketball, or raising two babies but in all reality its because I have lost my email...lol not my password...my stinking account information. Yes. Welcome to Motherhood.

Since we have been home Payge has gotten to come off of her Apnea Monitor. She is doing so good. She did not have any episodes while she was on it and has been growing so fast. She went from our little Peanut to a chunky monkey. Lol. Everywhere we take her people say she looks like a baby doll. She has such a sassy personality. She only likes her bottle a certain way, to be held a certain way, to lay a certian way, etc.. She has learned to take Parker's pacifier from his mouth as well as pull his hair. She loves to smile and laugh. She is so fun.

Parker is still on his monitor and has changed formulas 3 times but his Brady episodes have decreased. He went from bilet splints every 3 hours to permanent casts up to his hips. We go to OU Children's Medical Hospital in OKC 1x a week now for the next 6 weeks. While we were at the hospital they kept telling us it was positional when the surgeon told us yesterday it was club feet. I used to think Club feet was a bad word and didn't want it to label my son...but its not bad and I have also finally came to terms that I didn't do anything to cause it. Parker has started rolling over from his belly to his back. He has a Tigger that he just loves to cling on to. We call it his Tig Tig. He loves to take his pacifer and be held by females-has some Ott in him. Lol.

Being home, without the help of nurses, has been trial and error. We are lucky enough to have great neighbors and friends who have helped out. Being 90 miles from "home" has been hard but we try to get to DeDe and Pops house as often as we can. The babies are eating about every 4-4.5 hours and wake up around 2:30 and 6:30 every morning. Summer basketball camps are finally over, so just work outs still remaining. Life is busy, hectic, overwhelming but oh so fun.

When we heard that we were having twins, we were so excited and without the help of other mother's with multiples we would have no clue what to do. We now have bath time, feeding in boppy's, early morning feedings and fussy time down! Not to a perfection...but we are getting there. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful support team. THank you to everyone who has helped.

Long gone are the days of getting dressed up-I think every black t shirt I own has some type of drool or spit up stain on it. Long gone are the days of sleeping in, just going somewhere for the day, long hot showers, running to the store for a quick bit, watching movies, eating in resturants, etc....

But hello to the days of cuddle time, crying because you hurt for your child, milestone moments of laughs and smiles or rolling overs, and sitting on the couch to ignore the laundry so you can lay with them, breathe them in and love on them.

Welcome to Motherhood!!

True Colors

1Peter 4:80 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins"

During this journey with the babies, a lot of things have opened our eyes, but what we are most thankful for is true friendships. People who have shown us their true colors and gone above and beyond the call of friendship. Sometime you can call someone a "friend" but when a bump in the road occurs, they are too busy for you to call upon.

"A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference."-Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh

As you know, we are struggling to get Parker home right now. He is having several Brady episodes still, and now he is starting to Desat with them (where his oxygen level drops). After failing 2 car seat tests, we were devestated. We heard many words of encouragment, as well as many peoples opinons. Yes, we know "he is where he is supposed to be" but would you want to hear that if you son has been in the intensive care unit for 6 weeks?? Would you wanna hear "oh well, he's not ready?" No. I don't believe you would. We know he's not ready. But that doesn't mean as parents that we are not ready to take him home and begin our life, together, as a family.

True Colors. True Friends. They are the ones that text you a sad face when Parker doesn't pass his test. They are the ones that make sure your dogs are taken care of and your mail is placed on the kitchen table. They are the ones that call you in tears because they know you are struggling with the devil. True friends take care of your yard just because they know you wouldn't want it to look like that. True friends are the ones that pick up your formula for you-even when they have their own stuff to do. They are the ones that email you, text you or call you just to say that they are praying for you. They are the ones that leave homemade "Happy Mother's Day" cards on your front door. True friends buy you gifts, make you things, and pick up your house and expect NOTHING--yes I said NOTHING in return...even when you try to offer to pay them.

Well, Chris and I are truly blessed with TRUE FRIENDS who truly have shown their TRUE COLORS to us during this rocky roller coaster ride. When the furthest thing on my mind needs to be done, someone does it. When we are in a bind financially, we are helped. When I am frustrated to the point of no return, they call. Not everyone you call a "friend" can really live up to that name. Calling someone a "friend" is like telling someone you "love" them. It can not be used lightly.

Well, "FRIENDS", thank you. Thank you more than I can write, text, tell you. Thank you for praying. Thank you for loving. Thank you for doing. I am not sure we could have made it this far without all your love and support. As a mother, the hardest thing I have had to done is leave one child behind to care for another. And my "friends" have been there to help me get through that, to help me stay true to my faith.

Parker is not ready to go home yet, and we know that it is all in God's timing, but as humans we forget that our timeline and God's timeline RARELY match up. We appreciate the prayers, gifts and services that you have done for us. We love you...and God truly has blessed us.

God thank you for placing us in a community that has greeted us with open arms and wonderful people with "true colors." Thank you God for giving us the faith we need to make it through this time. Yes God, we know that Parker is not ready to go home, even though we are beyond ready, but God we just ask you place your hands on our little boy and help him heal and grow so that in YOUR time God we can go HOME!!

"A friend is one who strenghtens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope."

TT-ILY!

One down one to go

So here we are, 6 weeks into our journey of having premature babies and we have one baby (Lil Miss Payge) released from the hospital and one (Sir Parker) still having problems with his low heart rate. Luckily, Chris took off work this week and has been able to help me with Payge. We alternate staying with Parker at the hospital and going to my mom and dad's with Payge. Either way, there is no sleep involved. :)

Parker redid his car seat test yesterday and we called out to all our prayer warriors--but he didn't pass. He had 24 minutes remaining and he had a Brady (low heart rate). Bless his little heart he did so good. We are past the point of frustration by now. Not with anyone, but the situation. Parker has had 54 Brady's in 9 days...which is way too many. His formula and meds have been changed back and forth and nothing is helping the reflux-which is causing the Brady's. It seems like we are stuck on a hamster wheel spinning around and around and getting nowhere.

This afternoon we have a consult with our primary neonatalist (or however you spell it) and we are going to discuss what we can do to help the heart rate stay up. What meds, formulas, actions we can take to help my baby boy get better and pass this stinking car seat test.

What is a car seat test you may ask? Well since we live out of the Tulsa area, the babies have to sit in their car seat for 2 hours and not have any Bradys (where their heart rate drops below 80), no Desats (where their pulse ox drops below 89) and no sleep apneas. Seems like a lot to ask from a little 7lb 1oz little boy who just wants to go home with his sissy. :(

Last night I finally hit my breaking point and cried. I think I even told one of the nurses that this placed sucked!! I didn't mean it like that....I just meant that this situation stinks because we are so ready to go home..ALL 4 of US!!

An associate pastor from our Home Church came up this morning to pray with Parker and I...and I told her that even though I have faith and believe in Jesus...that this is starting to wear on me. I told her I felt bad that I was getting frustrated. As tears filled her eyes and she prayed with me, it hit me that once again I am trying to control things. I am trying to get Parker home on my time because I want to go to my mom's retirement party, or graduation, or because summer basketball is starting soon...but what is most important is that God heals Parker. And He will. In HIS time. And me, being the human that I am...am having a hard time dealing with His time.

So, as we wait a few more days for yet another car seat test (maybe the 3rd time will be a charm) and as exhaustion kicks in...I find myself praying even harder for my little boy and our family. Please God, help Parker with his Brady's and be with Chris and I as we take care of Peanut.

Unanswered Prayers..

"Some of God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers..."

Yesterday Parker did his car seat test and we prayed and prayed and prayed that he would pass it...and with around 22 minutes left, he had a Brady-where his heart rate drops below 80-and so he automatically failed. I was crushed, devestated, and saddened but then it hit me, I had prayed my little heart out and I truly felt that God was with us, so I knew that there was a reason that God didn't answer my prayers...Parker and God aren't ready to go home yet. Its not about when I am ready for him to go home...Its about when God is ready for us to all go home. Am I still sad...yes. Does it still hurt to have only one child at "home" with me...very much so. But is Parker where he needs to be until he overcomes the Brady's? Most definately. Thank you God for an unanswered prayer.

Another unanswered prayer we have lived is when we had Conner. Conner was our angel baby. He gave Chris and I the chance to prove that we could be parents. He gave us room in our heart to love another person. We prayed and prayed and prayed for Conner to be a part of our family...but that is not what God had in store for us. If things would have gone through with us and Conner...then we wouldn't have the Nuggets-and I TRULY believe that. Do we still ache over Conner....yes. Do I still believe he would have made a hell of a big brother...most definately. Do I still love him...very much so. But once again....thank you God for an unanswered prayer.

The power of prayer is very strong. If you do not know Christ or do not have a faith...look at Chris and I. Not saying that we are the most amazing examples to follow...but the power of prayer truly has blessed us in countless ways. There is NO way I could have gone through what I have over the years without God by my side, His love in my heart and faith to guide me. Prayer can be frustrating because sometimes we forget that just because we may not get the answer we want doesn't mean that God doesn't care or hear us. His answers are what matter. The "unanswered prayers" can often be confused as God not listening...but we all have to realize that once we turn it over to God...it is in HIS time and in HIS hands and HIS will WILL be done.

Thank you God for my "unanswered prayers." Thank you for helping fill my saddened heart with your love and your light. Thank you for giving us dr's that can help Parker grow and overcome these bradicardic episodes.

"Sometimes God's greates gifts, are unanswered prayers..."

Scattered Thoughts...

As I sit here trying to think of a catchy title or a scripture to bounce off my head....nothing comes to mind. For once in my life, I, Amanda Ott Henderson, am at a loss for words. Well, I wouldn't technically say loss...I would say more like too scattered for words.

This morning Chris and I had decided that he would come up to the hospital with the babies so that I could go work on some Pre K stuff at my mom's office while she did some testing. Needless to say, this being my first day away from the babies in the morning, my mind started off scattered. I eventually ran out of things to do at my mom's office and made a dash to Wal Mart to pick up some things I needed for the babies and graduation gifts. On the way there I get a random text from Chris saying "They are going to do the babies sleep studies." I think to myself "they dont  do sleep studies until they pass their carseat tests..." so automatically I call Chris and ask whats going on. He tells me that Dr Miranda came in and was surprised at how well the babies were doing and decided to take Parker off of his caffeine so he can do his car seat test Sunday (you have to be off the meds for 48 hrs) and to do Payge's carseat test today!!! I sped-legally-back to Inola to get my mom and we flew-yes her Honda Accord actually grew wings-to the hospital. They had already started her test and it was supposed to last 2 hrs....well I was a nervous wreck for that time and Chris finally told me I was stressing him out so I stepped outside to the waiting room with my mom....

Well, Payge PASSED her car seat test!! We made her appointment with her Dr, went over her stretches with the OT, learned how to pack-yes pack her with a trillion blankets-her into her car seat and now she is currently taking her sleep test. If things go well, she will be discharged tomorrow.....this is where more scattered thoughts kick in......

What do we do? This was always a fear of ours-having twins in intensive care-that one would get discharged before the other one, but we just always assumed that it would be Parker--but Peanut proved us wrong. After going over formula perscriptions, how to add calories to the formula and other paper work....we asked ourselves "what are we going to do??" So we call the nurse in and ask her the million dollar question "if Payge is released, can she come back up with us when we come see Parker??" Well luckily we have an AMAZING nurse who calls her supervisor who okay's it for us to bring her back up here!!

Now as I sit here and listen to Payge cry-and since she is doing the sleep study we cannot touch or hold her- my thoughts are joyous...but still scattered. The light in the tunnel seems so close. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow seems so big. The hilly journey we have been on for 5 weeks seems to finally have smoothed out....but wait!! Reality kicks in. We now have to be parents 24 hours!! We are used to being 10-12hr parents. Now we have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed them, change them and take care of them when they cry. Man....more scattered thoughts!!

So, scattered thoughts fill my mind, joyous thoughts fill my mind and endless love fills my heart....

Please continue to pray for the Nuggets and Chris and I as we move our journey, or at least part of it, outside the walls of the PICU

Jump in and hold on....

"Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want less. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing."-Eric Hoffer

It seems like my bad days seem to come in the middle of the weeks!! Maybe we should just have Sun-Mon and Thurs-Sat...and cut out Tues and Wed??

Parker got circumcised yesterday so we knew that the poor kid would have a few rough days ahead of him, but I guess I wasn't prepared for the back slide we would take. When I got here this morning the nurses smiled and said "Parker is having a rough morning..." so of course I can hear him outside of our room...as I walk in he is finally starting to settle down and our nurse tells me that the Dr ordered him a dose of tylenol...thank goodness! It didn't last long though...by the 9am feeding he was wound up again and struggled taking his bottle. Again at the 12 feeding, he didn't take all of his food-this is so dumbfounding because this is the little man that usually takes 2oz in less than 20 mins and when you take the bottle away from him to burp him he screams at you! By the time our 30 mins were up for the bottle, Parker had filled his pants and spit up all over me, and sister was past hungry! I changed him, swaddled him up and still he couldn't calm down so the nurse came in to help calm him down and he decided to spit up on her, his bedding and the chair! Thank you Sir Parker.

I had finally made my way to Payge, changed her, got her temp etc and was ready to feed her. The speech therapist had been working with her and told us a different way to feed her...so I tried this "new way" and what did my precious peanut do??? She has not one but TWO Brady's!!! And then she spit up all over me...luckily it was the same arm that brother had spit up on so only one side of my jacket is ruined with acidic spit up! (Highlight of the day I suppose...) After I clean up sisters spit up and try to feed her the rest of her bottle...she falls asleep!! Really???? So, there goes her chance of coming off the feeding tube anytime soon!

So, apparently the NICU rollercoaster has moved upstairs to the 7th floor with us....So what do we do?? Besides grabbing a bottle of wine and banging my head against the window (which does have a pretty view of Swan Lake) I just jump in and hang on. In the back of my mind and in my heart, I know it could be worse...I am truly blessed...but by golly I am ready to go home with my babies!!! So...here is my scream of frustration.. UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*Sigh* so much better.

Psalms 34:18-"The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in Spirit"

So God, thank you for being with me even when my spirit is down...thank you for renewing my spirit with your light and helping me "hang on."

Strength

Superman got his from Kryptonite.
Athletes get theirs from Gatorade.
The rainbow gets it from the rain.

Inner, emotional, physical, mental, etc....where do you get your strength?
1Peter 5:7- "cast all your worries on Him because He cares for you..."

Where do you find your strength? What helps you during your "journey?"
Beginning week 5, and we are no longer in the NICU, but in the PICU. Yes, that gives me strength knowing that my babies were stable enough to be moved upstairs. But this "journey" sure has been a hilly one. Ups and downs, tears and smiles, milestones and setbacks...but somehow I have found the "strength" that I need to survive this journey.
Through friends text and facebook messages, to pastor's prayers and emails, by giftcards for gas and meals, and for all the many thoughts and prayers---strength has been found. And even though great friends, family and loved ones have been there, the strongest power that has filled me, my inner strength, has come from God. God has been here with me during this journey. He has helped me realize that His timeline is greater than mine, His power is stronger than mine, His hand is at work in everything and He has one very powerful and strong hand...
Where would I be without God? Where would I find my strength? How could I sleep at night knowing that my babies were in intensive care if I didn't have the comfort of God fill me with peace and ease my mind knowing that even though I am not with them 24/7, He is.....
Psalms 46:1-"God is our refuge and strenghth, a VERY present help in trouble."

When this journey began, I felt guilty. That there was something else I could have done to keep these babies in my belly longer, or that I did something wrong in my pregnancy. After many tears and hours of prayer...I no longer feel that way. I feel that God has blessed me deeply with two very precious babies...and like their momma they were stubborn and wanted things on their time. God didn't curse me by giving me premature babies, He blessed me by helping me grow in my Faith, become more patient and reliant on Him, realize how important my marriage and relationship with Chris is, how lucky I am to have wonderful family and friends to reach out to us....I could be angry, sad and upset that my babies celebrated their 1 month birthday in a hospital...but instead I am happy, joyful and blessed that my babies celebrated their 1 month birthday!!

Psalms 138:3--"In the day that I called you, you answered me. You encouraged me with strength in my soul."

So, yes athletes may get their strength from gatorade, superman got his from kryptonite and the rainbow shines bright after a rainfall...but I find my strength in God, who gives me strength  when Parker smiles, when Payge looks at me with her big bright eyes, when they both take their bottle, when the nurses' get excited when they talk about the twins, when I hold the precious miracles that God has blessed me with...I find strength.

Both babies are growing and getting so big. Payge is getting to nipple 15mL every 3 hours while Parker is still on full feeds! He is still having Brady's but they will be 38 weeks this Wednesday so hopefully he will start to grow out of them. Sister has not had spitups this weekend-they changed her formula-and is growing (5lbs 12 oz). Their original 40week due date was May 18th so hopefully we will be home around that date-give or take a week.

God-thank you for the strength you give me. Be with those who need strength on their journey and may not know you, or feel like they need you. Thank you for the wonderful blessings you have given me.

PICU

Well our babies are no longer NICU babies....they are PICU babies (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit). Last night before Chris and I left they discussed with us that they may move them to PICU because of shortage of staffing in the NICU. When we called to check on the babies at 10:30 last night, they were not going to move them but we insisted that they call us if they did....so at 2:24 this morning the siren ringtone went off on my phone...at first my heart stopped but Chris rolled over to answer it and they were calling to tell us that they were moving the Nuggets. I instantly wanted to get up and come up here with them but Chris said we needed to get our rest.

When we got up here, of course we got lost because this hospital has so many stinking wings to it and we kept taking the wrong elevators and parking in the wrong spots...but we FINALLY made it to see our precious PICU babies....but let me back up a bit:
When I first found out they were being moved, I was mad, frustrated and nervous because we have spent the past 4 weeks in the NICU with the same nurses, doctors, other mothers and familiar faces...so I was concerned about the "new staff" and new faces that I would be around for the majority of my day as well as who would be taking care of my babies. Plus I had met some great people in the NICU and I was going to miss them.

But anways, we got up here after finally finding it and were greeted with smiling and friendly faces. Their new "room" is decorated in the solar system, their stuffed animals were already put in the room for them and their family pictures were put in their cribs so they could see them. And the best part (according to Chris) is that we have a lazy boy and a TV in our "new home". They had put Payge in a new cute outfit and put a bow on her so I was instantly happy. The PICU is a lot smaller and more intimate setting for an intensive unit. There are only about 6 rooms and usually only have 6-8 babies at a time. The nursing staff is a lot smaller but so far so good.

The babies will still see the same physician, NP, OT, PT and speech therapist so there will still be some familiar faces around for us, which makes me feel a little more comfortable.

Parker is still having brady's but luckily he is recovering still on his own. We discussed them with the NP today and she said that he is fine and will grow out of them...and the sooner he does the sooner we get to go home. They are still going to leave Payge on the ND feeding but we are going to give her 10mL 3x a day and see how she tolerates them.

Thank you God for being with me and the babies as we step out of our comfort zone and begin a new week in a different unit. God please be with Parker and his Brady's and be with Payge and help her tolerate her full feedings. Thank you for being with us, for keeping me strong and faithful and for using others to help us during this time. Thank you for Chris and our wonderful weekends together. God please just keep guiding us during this time. God also be with ALL the other babies of NICU and their mommies...it is a tough place to be but with YOU God all things are possible.

A pair of shoes..

How often do we get ready in the morning and put our shoes on last? Left foot than right foot. Easy as that. But...what if we didn't have a right foot? Would it still be easy to put our shoes on? Do we truly know what its like to walk in "someone's elses' shoes?" Do we worry about our own "shoes" too many times and get wrapped up in putting on the left one and then right one and forget it could be worse.....

After my "pity party" yesterday, it hit me. God has a way of hitting me with a left hook every now and then when I need it, and He said "Amanda, do you know how lucky you are? Do you not know the blessings I have given you? Yes, the NICU stinks (yep God said stinks) BUT you have not only 1 but TWO very precious, very healthy babies and you will be going home one day. (and in home He meant Fairfax, not Heaven)." My reply "God, when? When will we go home? Why? Why are we here?" His response:
Meeting a mother of a baby that was born at 26 weeks that is just now almost 3 lbs, whom herself has health problems....seeing a transport team have to transport a set of newborn twins because of medical reasons..meeting a little boy in the NICU waiting room that still hasn't got to meet his baby brother "because he is just too little, but the dr's will help him"...hearing the story of a mother that this was her 6th pregnancy (she lost the first 5!!) and their child was still born premature and in NICU....

My response: Hit my knees and thank GOD that I have TWO precious babies, merciful prayer and thanksgiving to Jesus who has blessed me.

So, when your "shoes" may not be looking quite up to par...remember that you have "shoes" and you are blessed because you never know what it might be like to walk in someone elses' shoes.

Thank you God, for not only blessing me with 2 feet but a pair of shoes that are ok to walk in. Thank you for blessing me with 2 precious babies that are healthy and will be going home (in YOUR time). Thank you God for the left hooks that wake me up and make me feel so blessed that I have you as my savior and friend...I have you to talk to, to guide me and to comfort me. Thank you God that even though Parker is still having several Brady's that he recovers on his own and never has to be revived. Thank you God that even though Payge is having problems with her feedings that she is still able to gain weight and grown and God I know that you will be with her belly and feedings. Thank you God....for my "pair of shoes."

Even on my weakest days... (Thank you Sara Evans)

"Woke up late today....
But I'm telling myself it will be ok....
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried...
Even on my weakest days...I get a little bit stronger.....
I get a little bit stronger....."

I started this blog because I needed a way to let my feelings come out. I am a strong person-or at least try to be. I have faith instilled inside of me, but everyone has weak days. Right? Its ok to cry, or at least want to, correct? The overwhelming emotions are taking over today....and HELLO BRICK WALL!! People say "be strong for those babies" or "God will not give you more than you can handle" or "they are doing great, hang in there you will be home soon..." and all of this advice is so so correct, but there are times when you still have to cry. But, sometimes its hard to cry...its hard to just admit that you need to cry because you fear looking frowned upon or that you don't have faith...Well CRAP!
I have faith. Frown on me if you want!! Tell me all the advice you want....I'm still going to cry at times.

The shortest verse in the Bible John 11:35 "Jesus Wept." It's considered the shortest verse in the Bible but it shows how tender and soft Jesus is, and envinces His character as a man.

Parker has been nippling all his feeds for the past several days, but his Brady's have increased....they are going to try to up the caffeine-BUT we can't go home until he has no Brady's for 3 days on the medicine and then 3 days off the meds...so....
Payge is up and down with nippling her feeds.....we can't go home until she nipples all of her feeds in less than 30 minutes.....so....

So, Amanda Wept. It doesn't mean I don't have faith, it doesn't mean that I don't know that God is right here with me, it doesn't mean I am a failure as a mom, that I don't know that I can handle this, or that I am not strong. It means that I am tender, I am in need of comfort and that I am human.

"Even on my weakest of days....I get a little bit STRONGER..."

Thank you God for two precious babies and Lord please just be with my babies and help them grow and get strong and help me be strong for them, even on my weakest of days. God thank you for all the blessings you have given Chris and I and please continue to be with us and our families as we know that you will not give us more than we can handle but sometimes God we just need a little extra "umph" to help us get through that brick wall.

M. O. M.

What is important? What is a priority?
Well, let me begin by saying that what USED to be important, no longer is, and my top priorities have now changed...and it all began when I became a mom. Mom. Its crazy how those three little letters create such a strong desire to love, cherish, fret, stress, bond, cry, etc....

Growing up I had (and still do) one of the greatest mom's ever. I totally took advantage of it. My mom was the one that drove us to softball and baseball games, that played in the back yard with us, that took us to the park on nice days, that made sure we were never left out, mistreated or had to sacrifice for anyone or anything. M. O. M. and in return...I chose to be a daddy's girl, stay out WAY too late, run with the wrong crowd at times and even mistreat my mom....

Still to this day, when I have a bad day...I call Mom. When I mess up....I call Mom. When I need help financially, emotionally, mentally, physically....I call Mom. I pray that one day, even if it is 27 years from now, and Parker and Payge need me...that they will know that they can ALWAYS call me.

Being a MOM is one of the greatest feelings in the world. When Parker is screaming and throwing his fits (where does he get that type of behavior?? :) ) and I can hold his hand and talk to him and he calms down because he knows that his MOM is there and will help him. When Payge grabs my finger to hold while I sing to her, or how she likes it when I rub her little forehead...there is nothing else that matters. What mattered before....clothes, money, toys, etc....NO LONGER MATTER!! I am a MOM. They day they say "Momma" (which is hopefully before they say "Dada") I will cry...not doubt about it.

Yesterday, when Payge took a complete feeding through a bottle, I cried. I was so proud and excited for her!! I had to leave NICU, go out to my car to sit and call Chris. I was overwhelmed with joy. This morning, when the Dr came in and said we can take out Parker's feeding tube...it hit me that this will be the first time I get to see his beautiful face without any tubes, wires or crud up his nose, down his throat, etc...and of course I cried again. Since I am no longer pregnant, I can no longer blame it on the hormones. But, I can blame it on being a MOM.

Being a mom is something I have always desired and something that I have prayed about and prayed about for many years...Thank you God for answering my prayers, thank you for giving me such a wonderful man to share this dream with and thank you for my own amazing mom who taught me oh so many things!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God." Philippians 4:6

On Eagles Wings....

One of my favorite memories while growing up is going to basketball camp with my dad. We would go all over, even though I was too young to be at the camp, I always got o participate...well until I got bored that is and decided to go swimming, or hang out with the coach's in their lounge and watch TV. Growing up I was a "Sequoyah Eagle" and my dad told me to always take pride in whatever you were and whatever you were doing. I took that to the extreme. There was a coach there that was a "Claremore Zebra" and at a young age I could never fathom the idea of a red striped zebra!! This famous coach would always say "Zebra's are fast and can out run other animals..." and I would respond "well Eagles can fly...." I would also sing "Rather be dead than red...rather be dead than red..." For many years these were my responses to his "Red Zebra's can out run other animals..." but I was always proud to be a "soaring Eagle...."

Fast forward many many years....and I feel like would rather still be an Eagle. Sure Zebra's are fast, and pretty, and strong....but Eagles are mentioned in the Bible a number of times. When does God talk about Red Zebras???  (http://www.watchmanbiblestudy.com/)

God uses the Eagle in the Bible for strength, protection, swiftness, renewed youth...etc

"Those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength
Those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength
They shall mount up with wings
with wings like Eagles
They shall run and not grow weary
They shall walk and not faint"-"Wings like Eagles" Don Moen

So, as another week begins here in the NICU...I look back and remember that my dad told me to always take pride in who I am and what I am doing...
I am a Christian-and I will wait on the Lord to renew my strength
I am a Mom-so I will not grow weary
I am a wife-so I shall not faint
and I am an Eagle-with God being my Leader, and I will allow Him to provide for me and renew my strenght even when I grow weary or faint.....

Parker: 5lbs 14.8oz
Payge: 5lbs 4.3oz

PAYGE TOOK A BOTTLE LAST NIGHT! 13 mills from a bottle!!! WAY TO GO PEANUT!!

What doesn't break you only makes you stronger....

It's been a while since I have posted and I apologize for that. It has been a crazy past few days. Thursday morning I came up here for a few hours and then I went home--to Fairfax--to see my Pre K kiddos for their Easter Egg Hunt and to take care of some stuff. It had been almost 4 weeks since I had been "home" and it was so nice...but part of me felt guilty for leaving the babies to do house work and paper work. Luckily we had a great nurse that day and she didn't mind me calling every couple of hours to see how they were doing. It was so nice to be "home" and see the kids at the elementary and my wonderful friends and co workers whom I have missed so much!! The prayers, thoughts, calls, texts and gifts that they send are so amazing and I am truly blessed to work with such great people.

Friday I came back and it was so hard leaving Chris because I was torn between wanting to go to his baseball game (I have only made it to one game this year!!) and rushing back to see the babies. Friday was a busy day for us at the NICU. They had to be re-assessed by the OT, Parker got refitted for his new left splint, Payge had a session with the speech therapist....Needless to say I think I made the right decision by choosing the babies over a baseball game.

When Chris finally made it in yesterday evening, the babies were doing great and we had our usual weekend nurse "Miss Daisy" whom we just love so much and who has a mutual understanding with Parker-who is known as the "fit thrower of NICU" and so we were ok knowing that the kiddos would be in good hands....luckily we have some pretty awesome nurses up here who let Chris and I be the best parents we can possibly be, and who answer questions or concerns we have as well as provide support and encouragement for us during this time.

This morning we got up to go visit our wonderful niece Brooklynne. She is so adorable!! I-her Lame Aunt (the boys call me this because I ALWAYS buy them books) got to feed her!! Let me tell you what...that girl likes to eat!! It was so precious giving her her bottle and being able to bond with her. I can not wait until her and the nuggets get a little older and we start the photo sessions, play dates, and just all the holidays we have to look forward to with our growing family.

Parker is definately his mother's son. Bless his little heart he is high strung and loves the attention. All the nurses here know "Henderson Baby A" or "Sir Parker" and they can tell his scream from down the hall! When I walk in, you can just see the look of sympathy they give me. Lol. Bless his heart. The past few days he has had his nights and days mixed up, so one of the night shift nurses decided to put him in the bouncy seat. They said he loved it!! They went to make the rest of their rounds and a few minutes later heard him screaming from down the hall...they went to pick him up and he pooped all over them, the seat and out of his outfit!! He was fine after that!!  Needless to say he got a bath and they didn't try the seat anymore that night!! He is now 5lbs and 11.9oz and taking a bottle every 3 hours. He is such a cute little guy with such a fun personality already! He is still having Brady's....boo to those!

Payge the Peanut is just that. She is finally over 5lbs but she is still so tiny and precious. She takes after her daddy and is just pretty laid back. She is having problems with the suck/swallow/breath reflex and the speech therapist has given us several ideas and pointers to help her. She gets so stressed out over brother-imagine that- that by "bottle time" she is just so uninterested!! She is 5lbs 2.2oz and is on a continuous feeding tube. She is as cute as a button and she will wrinkle her nose and eyebrows up when Parker throws one of his fits. Thank God that she is so laid back!! Once we get the suck/swallow/breath thing down she will start taking her feedings in a bottle and she will be just fine!!

Being here is hard. Seeing people bring their car seats up for the car seat test is hard. Seeing people leave is hard. Being away from Chris is very very hard. But God never said it would be easy. He just said He would be there every step of the way. And He has been. He has been there to provide for us financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. I pray daily that God will be with my babies, the nurses and drs and Chris and I....I couldn't ask for a better person to be by my side-even when he is 90miles away-Chris is right there with me. Learning the hard way, life is hard. Life is not fair. But if you have faith in God and believe that HE is right there with you, even in the darkest of days, the hardest of times...then you will make it through it. "If you're going through Hell, keep on moving..."  "Life ain't always beautiful....but the troubles make you wiser..."

Thank you God...for 2 very precious miracles babies who have helped me grow stronger in my faith, closer to my husband and become a better person. Thank you family and friends for being there for Chris and I and the nuggets..for the thoughts, visits, texts, and the prayers....especially the prayers. Without God, prayers and faith....this would have broken us....but with it all we will only continue to become stronger.