Peace and Quiet

"Be Still and know that I am God."

Parent's of newborns long for peace and quiet-a night of no crying and a solid 5-6 hours of sleep.
Neighbors of dog lovers long for a night of no barking, a peaceful rest.
Teachers run home in hope of a few minutes of no screaming kids, or questions, they long for just a few minutes of quiet time.

We all LONG for peace and quiet. For a moment or two where we can gather or thoughts and rewind from the day. But, what if the peace and quiet only brings hurt? What about those who come home after a long day at work or with friends, to an empty home? What if the quiet brings tears because a loved one is gone? Or a friend is no longer in arms reach? What if peace and quiet doesn't help everyone?

Aunt Boo, I can't imagine walking into your home and not calling for Uncle Tom. But you are a strong woman, a woman of Faith, and you must know that even in the darkest of hours, God is with you.
To my friends who have lost babies, I can't imagine being in your shoes or how hard your daily struggles are, but know that God is your peace and strength whenever you need Him.
Miranda, when I look out across the street and no longer see your porch light or car in the drive, I know that God made us friends for a reason and He will continue to bless us with an amazing bond.

God is with us when our mind wonders...God gives us strength during the peace and quiet. He renews us and fills our heart and mind with His power and love. When we need a cry or two (or a week full of it) or when we need a little uplifting, we are reminded of God and His amazing grace for us and the love He has for us. When we begin to ask  the "why me's" or "how comes" (which we all do at times, and it is only human of us to do so) God doesn't turn His back. God doesn't give us direct answers. But God tugs on our hearts and after we ask our questions, and shed our tears, He REMINDS us and He RENEWS us.

God stepped down from darkness to be the light that we need in our lives so many times. He is with us when we are teaching 24 crazy kiddos, working a double, rocking a fussy baby or coming home to an empty house.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.  The Lord be with all of you.

Colossians 3:15

Blessings in Disguise

Yesterday at church, an amazing young lady sang a very beautiful song. A song that I found myself fighting back tears to. A song thats words were more than just words to me. She sang "Blessings" by Laura Story and I have to say that it is now one of my favorite songs. In the song it says:
"Cause what if your blessings came through raindrops,
What if Your healing comes through tears,
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near,
What if the trials of this life are mercies in disguise?"

Well God, once again you tug on my heart, your right hook me in the face and you welcome me to realization. Realization that life is not perfect. Life has its ups and downs. Life is not sugar coated, or chocolate dipped, its life.

After every storm in life, there are blessings. So yes God, blessings do come from raindrops.
I have cried. Cried many many times. Cried when we lost Thunder. Cried when we struggled to get pregnant. Cried when the babies were born premature. But God...once again You were right there with me every step of the way. You healed me. You renewed my faith and my strength each and every time I cried.
When we toss and turn, and stress out over the uncontrolables in life, we forget. We forget that You are in control God. We forget. But, when you remind us, we feel you, we hear you and we know that you are near...we rest easily.
What doesn't break you makes you stronger. Trials become mercies. Hills you think you cannot climb become small speed bumps.

Each and everyone of us are faced with some type of trial in life. We struggle with our own thunderstorms and rainy days, but we must never forget, no matter how hard it gets or how down and negative we become, God is near. God is with us.God covers the blessings with disguises. He does so because life is life. Life is supposed to have its ups and downs and smiles and frowns. So when we pray for blessings, and for peace...God is near. God knows. God blesses.

Speaking of blessings, the babies started going to the sitter today. What an answer to prayers. It was something that I was losing sleep over, but God heard my prayers and knew my heart. He opened up a door for us and guided us to a wonderful "Miss Ashley" that will help with the babies a few days a week. The babies are doing great. They just got their 4 month shots the other day and we had a few "thunderstorms" to speak of but they seem to be back in their groove now. Parker goes back to the specialist the 1st of September to get out of his casts!! We are so excited. He will get fitted for braces and we will wear those for awhile. Payge is becoming sassy (Chris says like her momma). She loves to just talk and talk and talk. We have them hooked on "Super Why" cartoons as of now. :)
Thank you God for my blessings!!

Timelines

In History, you study the timelines-the time that events happend, the place they happend, when they ended, etc...
In Reading, you create a timeline-a time of sequences and events that happend, the setting, the characters, etc...
In life, you dream of a timeline-a plan you dream about, write in your journal about, insist it will happen, etc...

Well, my timeline in life has NEVER matched up with God's timeline and His plans for me. My "timeline" that I dreamed about had me living in my dream house, with 2.5 kids, a dog, and working in my dream job of being an Elementary Counselor.
Well, I am living with my parents, with my 2 kids, 2 dogs and my dream job is possibly going to be elimintated by the State Department of Education. Goodbye Timeline.

Chris has always wanted to be an Elementary PE teacher. But it was not in his timeline to get offered and hired 3 days before school started, where we would have to pack up and leave in less than a week. Goodby Timeline.

I had always wanted babies. God gave me babies, two very sweet babies. But they were on God's time. They arrived early but God had it in His plan. I would never put it in my timeline to have twins 7 weeks early with a complicated pregnancy, delivery and health problems. God knew. God had it written on His timeline.

I had dreamed of my "guy" for many years. I had searched for him. I was going to marry a tall, basketball player who was also a cowboy. Well...Chris is not very tall, doesn't really care for basketball and is the furthest thing from a cowboy. But God knew. God had it in His plans for me to marry someone who was kind, funny, sweet and loved me for me. God didn't give me Chris when I was ready, God gave me Chris when He was ready.

I went from being a Head Girl's basketball coach...living the life I had wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps for so long...to not coaching at all. Nothing. Nada. But God had it in His timeline for me to be a mommy.

God knows. God hears. God plans.
God knows we have Hope and plans for our future but God also knows what is best for us and the timing. God's timeline can outweigh any timeline you can study or come up with on your own.
So, God thank you for making me learn patience. Patience and understanding that even though I am impatient, You are not. Even though I am uneasy, you are my Rock and You are strong. Thank you God for your timeline and life and for being with us each and every step of the way.

Are you strong in the thunderstorms?

"When the storm of life is raging, and the thunder is all I hear, you speak softly to my soul."-Kutless "Strong Tower"

As I sit in the waiting room at OU Children's Medical, I can hear and feel God speak to my soul...because I am able to fight back the tears. I am able to remain strong and still in Him. I was able to not cry in front of Parker as the nurse took him out of Chris' arms and laid in down, in his hospital gown, into the surgery crib. I am strong because of God. I am strong because I have Faith. I am strong, because I am blessed.

Anytime you think about surgery, it is scary. Especially on a 4 month old...that is your own flesh and blood. But can you imagine your fears if you didn't have a faith? Can you imagine the thoughts and feelings you would have if you were buddies with the Devil? There is no way you could survive the thunder, or storms, or waiting rooms.

Like I have said before, I don't want pity for Parker. I hurt for him. I worry for him. But what mom doesn't worry about their child? Hurt for their own? But I do not pity him.

The babies were baptized Sunday at church. It was mine and Chris' commitment as well to promise and vow to raise these babies in a Christian home and instill Faith within them. I want my babies to grow up with the Faith I had put into my heart at a very young age by my mom. I want the Nuggets to grow up believing in the Lord and knowing that even in darkest of hours, the strongest of stroms, God is with them.

So, as we sit here during this "thunderstorm" we know that God has His hands on Parker. We believe that God is with the doctors, nurses and surgeons. And we feel God sitting here in the chilly, bad coffee, over packed with loud talkers waiting room. This is our thunderstorm and we shall soon see the rainbow.

How do you say good bye?

 Weezer says it best in their song "My Best Friend"
"When everything is wrong I come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue
You are such a blessing
And I won't be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all my darkness
You're my best friend
And I love you (love you)
And I love you (love you)
Yes I doo oooo
There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely
And I mean it when I tell you that I need you"

How do you say good bye to  friends that not only love you but loves your kids? That is willing to sleep on the floor your first night home with two new babies? That calls or texts when they know you are struggling? That helps you paint your nursery? That puts you before themself? That cleans your front yard when you are 8 months pregnant? That watches your babies while you pack? That baby sits for free or for Ramen Noodles? That host you a baby shower with overwhelming gifts? That make bows for every outfit your daughter has? That passes down clothes? That cooks your dinner or brings you leftovers? How do you say good bye to friends that know you better than yourself? That allow you to be yourself and not complain?
How do you say good bye to someone who is more than a former player...but has become a little sister?
How do you say good bye to someone who is more than a neighbor...but like another mother figure?
How do you say good bye to someone who is more than someone across the street....but a best friend, a sister?

Miranda, Tasha, Gabe, Emma and boys...I LOVE YOU! I may not be able to always express my gratitude for you all but I love you. That is all I can say without tearing up.
Anson gang- you are so awesome and I will miss everyone of you.
Pease clan-I can't even begin to start to express my gratitude to you. For the butt shots, for the helping hands, for the friendship.
To my basketball girls- you made my head coaching experience amazing. Thank you. Remember: Do the little things right.
To the Fairfax Community- thank you for embracing us and loving us and the babies. Your support, prayers and encouragment were greatly appreciated.

So, how do you say goodbye? How do you turn the page? How do you "move on?"
You don't. You just say "see ya later!"

Bitter Sweetness

Sour patch kids.
Orange juice after brushing your teeth.
Diet Coke with Lime.
Chewy Sour Lemon Heads.
Things in life often leave two different tastes in your mouth....

Well...once again, the babies are doing something that not every 4 month old gets to experience....we are moving. Chris got a certified job teaching Elementary PE and I am so proud of him. But, it is a bitter sweet experience. For the past two years, Fairfax has been "home." It has been a place, that for the most part, has welcomed us with open arms and open hearts. It has been a place where I got to experience being a head coach as well as an Elementary Teacher. It has been a place that has allowed us to grow on our own, out from underneath our parent's wings. But, it is time to move on in our journey. Time to continue to grow, but as a family of 4.

I HATE moving, with a passion. Luckily my parents have came down to help us, and it helps to have them with the boxes, but it doesn't make the pain in my heart go away. Again, this is bitter sweet. We have developed and established lifelong friends...extended family members. There is no way I can ever have better neighbors or baby sitters than I do here. BUT...Chris gets to do a job that he loves and has a passion for. A job that would not be available if we stayed here. I know that friends can continue to be friends, but the days of leftovers being passed house to house, milk being borrowed, baby sitters around the corner...those days are gone. But a pro to that heart wrenching con is that now the days that face us revolve around the babies and not a coaching schedule or season. Hello to the days of milestones and memories made that you can't begin to compare to scrimmages, Christmas Break practices or 2 a days.

So as I fight back the tears and write this, my friends know that this was the best decision for our family. My friends know that this is a hard choice for us to make. My friends are there to help with the babies or pack a few boxes. My friends understand. They feel my pain, and at the same time celebrate our joy.

Tangy Lemonade.
Sour skittles.
Raspberry sherbert.

Bitter Sweetness.

4 years ago...

Teamwork. Dedication. Commitment. Hard Work. Long Hours. Blood, Sweat and Tears....
If you know me all too well, you would think that I am talking about coaching...but I'm not. I am talking about marriage. It takes all of the above and so much more, like FAITH, HOPE and LOVE!

4 years ago, I married the "Man on my list." After having some, ok many, not so lucky relationships, my mom sat me down one night and said "sis, what do you really want in a guy?" I had never thought of it that way. I had thought "hmmm that guy is cute and taller than me...lets see if he is single." So after pondering my mom's question and really truly praying about it...I came up with a list. A list of very specific details of the qualities I wanted in the man I was going to marry...and I was not going to date anyone who didn't meet my list. I had all but given up on it, but I put it in my Bible and prayed and prayed and prayed......

One hot softball season, 5 years ago, my eyes wandered to the football coaches who had come to our !!game....the rest is history.. LOL (I don't have enough computer battery to write all the details :) !!)

When I said "I Do" to honoring someone "through sickness and in healthy" I didn't know that Chris would have walking phenomia 3 times in one year, that he would cut open his hand with a knife, or that he would get hit upside the head with a baseball while I was 7 months pregnant. When I said "I Do" to honoring someone "for richer or poor" I didn't know that Student Loans would consume 60% of our paychecks, that we would have house payments, electric bills and hospital bills... When I said "I Do" to someone "for better or worse" I didn't know that we would try and try and try to have children, that we would lose a "son" after 6 weeks, or that we would spend 7 weeks in the NICU with the children we were suddenly blessed with.  When I said "I Do" to "love and cherish" someone "til death do us part" I didn't know that it would take commitment, hardwork, commitment, long hours, blood, sweat, tears...but I did know that it would take FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE.

Without those 3, the past 4 years would not have been possible. Not only did I marry the "man on my list" but I also married my best friend, the father of my children, my assistant coach and someone I admire and respect for all his hard work, dedication, commitment, blood, sweat and tears. I married someone that God made especially for me. Someone to pick me up when I hit rock bottom, someone to sing to me when I am sick, someone to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. But, not only did God make Chris just right for me, He made him just right for Parker and Payge. He knew that I needed someone to lighten the mood during late night feedings, someone to pass on his GREAT looks to our children, someone to hold my hand in the doctor's office day in and day out, someone to sing to Parker when his legs are hurting or someone to rock Payge when she is fighting her nap. God created Chris to complete my life in so many ways.

So, 4 years ago, on a very hot August afternoon, when just hours before the wedding the AC went out in the Church, I danced with my best friend to a song that continues to play in our lives and our hearts:

"Ordinary, No. I really don't think so. Not a love this true.
Common destiny, we were meant to be. Me and You."

Happy 4 years Toph!

More importantly....

The babies turned 4 months old yesterday. Its hard to believe that 4 whole months ago our lives changed, titled and got completely rocked. Many of you know "our story" and how these babies are our precious miracles...but even miracles bring rocky times. Growing up, I was consumed with how my body looked. I didn't allow myself to eat certain foods because I didn't want them to make me fat. Typical teenager stuff you know, that was of course brought on by boys, "mean girls" and low self esteem. Well, its a good thing I over came those "body issues" because I no longer have time to worry about those things. I don't have time to work out all hours of the day, prepare only the healthiest of meals or look in the mirror for hours to critique my self image. I have more important things.

I also no longer have time to pick up the house every minute of the day, or do ALL the laundry in one afternoon, dust the entire house just because I feel like it. I would rather sit in the nursery with the babies or lay in the floor while they talk and laugh and giggle at me and to each other. I have more important things.

I used to worry about only shopping at the best places, wearing designer jeans, eating out at nice resturants...now my life is consumed of gym shorts, ROSS and Target and Hamburger Helper-if I am lucky and have the time to brown the meat...if not, a sandwhich it is. I have more important things to worry about.

Sports used to be in the top 3 of the most important things to me. Not saying it is not longer important, but now I am more concerned with the kids that I am teaching and coaching and the impact I have on them, not my win and loss record or how many errors we made in a game. I have more important things to focus on now.

The highlight of my morning is when I go in to wake Payge up. I say "Good morning Payge, are you ready to wake up?" and when she looks up at me she is smiling and laughs and kicks her chunky legs. To me, thats more important than sleeping in. The highlight of my evening is rocking Parker to sleep-he is my cuddle bug- and how he curls up to me and sighs because he is content. To me, that is more important than getting caught up on my DVR'd shows.

Becoming a mom is hard, stressful and long hours. I told my mom yesterday, "I wish stay at home moms could get paid." and she replied, "they wouldn't make enough." It is oh so true. Life can pass you by oh so quickly. I have learned that one day, Parker won't want to cuddle with me, that Payge wont like my singing or dancing and that all together at some point in both of their lives my kids will think I am stupid, dumb and embarressing. So, now as I sit here in the floor of their nursery, listening to Casting Crowns, singing and typing while both of them sit here smiling at me from their boppy pillows I have realized that there are so many more important things in life than what I have ever known before......

"I can only imagine....."

God Bless!!