Happy Birthday

I have been putting this post off and putting it off, and I honestly thought I could make it to his birthday on Saturday, but every day I am fighing back tears, so I here it goes....

3 years ago (on September 17), God blessed the world with an amazing little boy. A little boy who had touched more hearts than he will ever know or remeber. A little boy that taught me how to be a mom and to open my heart and my eyes. I will never forget "Thunder" (a nickname my brother game him because of his legs, lol). I will never forget those 6 weeks that he made me "Mmmmma" and Chris "Dada". I will never forget the well he fit into my arms, the way he only liked Chris giving him baths, his favorite orange sippie cup or our first Thanksgiving with him. I will always fight back the tears when we drive past Sand Springs McDonalds, where we first met him. I will always laugh at his jacket, it said "Future Quarterback" and if you ever met him, you would know that he was not built like a quarterback, but more like a lineman! :)
I will never forget his rocking horse and how much he loved it-thank you Grammy Jackie.
Everytime I see a Christmas ornament out of place, I will think of him and how we used to hide the ornaments around my parents house.
My heart aches for him. I know he would have been an amazing big brother to the nuggets. I know that he would be all over the house, up and down the sideline and down at the barn with my dad. But he's not. One place he will aways remain, is in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or pray for him, or kiss the charm that Britt got me off him.
3 years ago, he was born to a mom who wasn't quite sure if she wanted him or not. 3 years ago, God created someone who helped me and taught me and blessed me. In 6 weeks, Thunder made me a better person. In 6 short weeks, God showed me how caring and loving a small town can be. Clothes were brought over, helping hands were given, and love was shown, all because of a little boy that was born 3 years ago. A little boy who will never know the impact he made on so many peoples lives. A little boy whose smile could light up the sky, a little boy who loved Christmas lights, dancing to music and his "Fairfax Nana." I loved him as my own. I loved him more than I thought I could. I loved him, and thought God was going to make him mine. But God had other plans....
I went from sad, to angry, past hurt, to understanding....(and not that quickly). I hated, I cried, I fought, I finally got it.
God used him to teach me, and to help me grow. I wanted him. I wanted to be his mommy. I wanted to watch him grow and provide for him in so many ways, ways that I am not sure he will have.
But God had other plans.....
God still wanted me to learn and grow.....but in other ways.
So, Happy Birthday buddy. I will never forget you, or your sweet blue eyes, or how you would stand at Nana's door and cry when "Dada" dropped you off, or the picture of you in your santa hat, or how you loved only the meatballs when I made spaghetti. I will never forget your first trip to Bass Pro, or your orange sippee cup, or how Pop let you drink Diet Mt Dew out of his QT cup. I will never forget watching you play with Patrick at the school in the gym, or on the playground at McDonalds or how Jumps made your poop neon green! :)
I love you little guy, and that is why this week has been hard on me. I pray for you, and please know that I will always love you and pray for you.
Happy 3rd Birthday!