It has been almost 10 months since God placed P2 in our lives, but our journey with them and for them started way before that....
I can still recall the day that I had the surgey that would "help" us have children, the shots, the medications and finally the doctors appointment when my doctor told me she could no longer help me and that it was time to see a specialist. Chris was gone on a fishing trip that Spring Break, so of course my mom was with me. She comforted me, she consoled me, she lended me a shoulder to cry on. She helped me find my strength.
After many hours, many miles and many dollars we found out that we were going to become parents. Dreams come true. We found Parker's heartbeat around 8 weeks and then heard Payge's around 10-11 weeks. That is when it hit me. Our years of aching to be parents was now just a few months away. I cried, for joy, for happiness, for anxiety (for those of you who really know me, you know that I am a VERY anxious person). But once again, I found strength.
The invitro process was not kind to my body. At one point in time, I was up to 5 injections a day. Now, for a person who cries and looks away when they draw blood, this is painful. Luckily I have awesome friends in the medical field who taught Chris how to do the ones in my belly and thighs while they did the IM ones in my hips. It was hard. I recall a time during a softball game that I had to call time, run behind the dugout with Chris and let him stab me twice, then back onto the field (the drugs had to be given every so many hours). I had bruises, blood stained clothes. But, still somehow managed to find my strength.
When the babies surprised us all and ironically were born on April's Fools day, 7 weeks early, I was heartbroken. It took me several days to realize that they were going to be ok. When we first came home as a family, life was way harder than I thought was possible, and when Parker had to be put under and have surgery, I broke down. But when it was all said and done, I survived because I found strength.
Now, as we go back to sleepless nights due to colds, teething and interupted sleep patterns, we dig deep for our strength. We worry that we get frustrated, we cry because we are tired, we laugh to keep from screaming....but we will again, find our strength.
God has been through this journey with us from day one. He knew we would struggle, but welcome to reality. Life isn't all easy, breezy and full of "perfections." Life will certianly hand you a fair share of bumps, bruises and crushed hearts along the way, but God will never give your more than you can handle. He will find a way to fill you with strength, even when you feel like you are running on an empty tank.
This weekend God restored my strength. We had some beautiful weather and we were able to take the babies for a jog at the lake as well as play some on the playground. To hear them giggle while they are swinging or laugh while we race up the hill, is refreshing, and rewarding. Becoming and being a parent has not been the easiest journey for us right now, but it could be worse. I have never had a miscarriage, or loss a child due to death. I have been blessed with twins, even though it is hard at times, it is a blessing.
So God, thank you for renewing me. Thank you for every bump, bruise and tear along the way of this journey and thank you for the people you have placed in my life to help me find the strength and to remind me to turn to You when I feel that I am running low. Thank you for a husband who hears my worries, alternates night shifts and loves being a "adada" Thank you for friends who are just a phone call or text away. Thank you for a family who is an amazing support group and doesn't mind being our "village" in raising these two sweet babies. But God, THANK YOU for allowing me to turn to you, for helping me fight back the tears and for making my dream of wanting to be a mom come true.
Find strength. In all you do, find strength.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Therapy Session
Instead of paying $150 some odd bucks for therapy session, I figured I could blog.....
So for far warning, take what I type in stride and realize that even though I am fighting back tears of stress, I still am laughing on the inside and have a strong sense of humor....
I have many friends who have recently entered "Motherhood." I also have a select few of friends who have not quite yet had the "joy" of doing so. This can bring on some interesting conversations. Most of my "motherhood" friends are strong, amazing women who smile through it all. I have friends who are single moms, moms of multiples. struggling moms, stay at home moms, working moms, and some who are even Head Coaches of a sport or two. Phew. Praise mom's of all kind.
Many of you know that our journey to parenthood was a struggle. The way I see it, it could have been easier, but then again, it could have been harder. We were blessed with Parker and Payge and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for making me a Mom. But goodness gracious....why didn't someone tell me how hard it was going to be??? I, in all honesty, thought being a Mom was full of playing and laughing and cute dress up clothes. I had no idea that I would struggle, or even cry at times.
I have a good friend who is an amazing mom. She is actually one of the people I call about any concern I have. I have seen her stay up late with her son to play dinosaurs, or watch movies, wake up early with a fussy girl. I have seen her smile, laugh, enjoy. I didn't see what happend behind closed doors. I have another good friend who is a mom of 3 and has a set of twin boys. I called her while I locked myself in my bedroom and asked her if it was ok to cry? Not only did she laugh at me, she encouraged me to cry. She down right said that it was ok not to be supermom and to let the tears fall.
I have a fear. I fear that God will see my frustrations, my tears and think that I am ungrateful. I am far from ungrateful. I am often overwhelmed, but I love having twins. I fear that if I say "1 baby is easy" then God will think I can't handle it and something will happen to one of my sweet babies. A fear. A fear that I feel in my mind but know in my heart that luckily we don't serve a mean and evil God.
People often stop and ask us how life with twins is. My only reply, "interesting." Others have hurt my feelings by questioning why I keep my kiddos on a schedule, but not only do I do it for them, I do it for myself. I love the fact that if we are on schedule, they are down for the night no later than 7:45pm. I enjoy the fact that I know for a fact they will take a great morning nap and on the weekends I fully take advantage of it. But it seems like no sooner than I get one of strept throat or an ear infection, the next one is coming down with something. It never fails that I get one calmed down from pulling up and knocking their head on something, that the next one is screaming about being stuck under a table or something. Its endless. Its tiring. Its "interesting" to say the least.
So, welcome to "motherhood." Where a sense of humor can go a long ways. All your supermom's out there, lets band together. Pour yourself a glass of wine, lock the bedroom door, cry into your pillow....but never forget to Thank God for your sweet baby (or babies). Never forget that there is always someone to talk to, to calm you down or hear your cry.
Hang in there Mommies!!!
God Speed!
So for far warning, take what I type in stride and realize that even though I am fighting back tears of stress, I still am laughing on the inside and have a strong sense of humor....
I have many friends who have recently entered "Motherhood." I also have a select few of friends who have not quite yet had the "joy" of doing so. This can bring on some interesting conversations. Most of my "motherhood" friends are strong, amazing women who smile through it all. I have friends who are single moms, moms of multiples. struggling moms, stay at home moms, working moms, and some who are even Head Coaches of a sport or two. Phew. Praise mom's of all kind.
Many of you know that our journey to parenthood was a struggle. The way I see it, it could have been easier, but then again, it could have been harder. We were blessed with Parker and Payge and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for making me a Mom. But goodness gracious....why didn't someone tell me how hard it was going to be??? I, in all honesty, thought being a Mom was full of playing and laughing and cute dress up clothes. I had no idea that I would struggle, or even cry at times.
I have a good friend who is an amazing mom. She is actually one of the people I call about any concern I have. I have seen her stay up late with her son to play dinosaurs, or watch movies, wake up early with a fussy girl. I have seen her smile, laugh, enjoy. I didn't see what happend behind closed doors. I have another good friend who is a mom of 3 and has a set of twin boys. I called her while I locked myself in my bedroom and asked her if it was ok to cry? Not only did she laugh at me, she encouraged me to cry. She down right said that it was ok not to be supermom and to let the tears fall.
I have a fear. I fear that God will see my frustrations, my tears and think that I am ungrateful. I am far from ungrateful. I am often overwhelmed, but I love having twins. I fear that if I say "1 baby is easy" then God will think I can't handle it and something will happen to one of my sweet babies. A fear. A fear that I feel in my mind but know in my heart that luckily we don't serve a mean and evil God.
People often stop and ask us how life with twins is. My only reply, "interesting." Others have hurt my feelings by questioning why I keep my kiddos on a schedule, but not only do I do it for them, I do it for myself. I love the fact that if we are on schedule, they are down for the night no later than 7:45pm. I enjoy the fact that I know for a fact they will take a great morning nap and on the weekends I fully take advantage of it. But it seems like no sooner than I get one of strept throat or an ear infection, the next one is coming down with something. It never fails that I get one calmed down from pulling up and knocking their head on something, that the next one is screaming about being stuck under a table or something. Its endless. Its tiring. Its "interesting" to say the least.
So, welcome to "motherhood." Where a sense of humor can go a long ways. All your supermom's out there, lets band together. Pour yourself a glass of wine, lock the bedroom door, cry into your pillow....but never forget to Thank God for your sweet baby (or babies). Never forget that there is always someone to talk to, to calm you down or hear your cry.
Hang in there Mommies!!!
God Speed!
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