24 years ago, God blessed me with an amazing little brother. At the time, I was not content with a little pesky brother, and wanted a puppy. I got one, but the puppy didn't make the crying red headed terror go away. I tried giving him away at Wal Mart...and when Mom told me that wasn't nice, I tried selling him for a penny.
Many times throughout the years, the red headed, big eyed, brother of mine caused me some pain and grief...like when we stuck my face to the couch while my parents were gone, or after I struck him out and he chased me with a red plastic bat and hit me in the head. But also, many times throughout the years, he has been there for me, to help me or bail me out of a bind, like when I needed some fast cash to tow my car or when he didn't agree with someone I was dating.
No longer are the days that we argue or compete (no we still occassionally tatle on each other but its sibling love).No longer are the days that I look at him and cringe when he is crying, instead we lend each other a shoulder, or when him and mom may disagree, I try to play a mentor to him in the situation instead of running to mom and telling what he said or did.
As I watch my brother coach softball, work on lesson plans and play with the babies, I realize that God blessed me with a great brother and an amazing friend. God knew we would have each others temper, love for sports and competition, but God also knew we needed each other. That is why DJ never sold at Wal Mart, or why the injuries he sustained from me pushing him out of a chair, or putting him in the dryer were never intense or severe, because God knew that my ornery, red headed, spit fire of a little brother would someday become one of my best friends. He knew that I would need him in life, especially when I brought Payge home and Chris was still in Fairfax, DJ took the midnight to3am shift and rocked Peanut for me so I could sleep. So I am thankful and grateful for a little brother that is not so little any more, but has now grown into a charming, smart, handsome and soft hearted young man who I am proud to call my "little brother".
I love you Uncle DJ
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Happy Birthday
I have been putting this post off and putting it off, and I honestly thought I could make it to his birthday on Saturday, but every day I am fighing back tears, so I here it goes....
3 years ago (on September 17), God blessed the world with an amazing little boy. A little boy who had touched more hearts than he will ever know or remeber. A little boy that taught me how to be a mom and to open my heart and my eyes. I will never forget "Thunder" (a nickname my brother game him because of his legs, lol). I will never forget those 6 weeks that he made me "Mmmmma" and Chris "Dada". I will never forget the well he fit into my arms, the way he only liked Chris giving him baths, his favorite orange sippie cup or our first Thanksgiving with him. I will always fight back the tears when we drive past Sand Springs McDonalds, where we first met him. I will always laugh at his jacket, it said "Future Quarterback" and if you ever met him, you would know that he was not built like a quarterback, but more like a lineman! :)
I will never forget his rocking horse and how much he loved it-thank you Grammy Jackie.
Everytime I see a Christmas ornament out of place, I will think of him and how we used to hide the ornaments around my parents house.
My heart aches for him. I know he would have been an amazing big brother to the nuggets. I know that he would be all over the house, up and down the sideline and down at the barn with my dad. But he's not. One place he will aways remain, is in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or pray for him, or kiss the charm that Britt got me off him.
3 years ago, he was born to a mom who wasn't quite sure if she wanted him or not. 3 years ago, God created someone who helped me and taught me and blessed me. In 6 weeks, Thunder made me a better person. In 6 short weeks, God showed me how caring and loving a small town can be. Clothes were brought over, helping hands were given, and love was shown, all because of a little boy that was born 3 years ago. A little boy who will never know the impact he made on so many peoples lives. A little boy whose smile could light up the sky, a little boy who loved Christmas lights, dancing to music and his "Fairfax Nana." I loved him as my own. I loved him more than I thought I could. I loved him, and thought God was going to make him mine. But God had other plans....
I went from sad, to angry, past hurt, to understanding....(and not that quickly). I hated, I cried, I fought, I finally got it.
God used him to teach me, and to help me grow. I wanted him. I wanted to be his mommy. I wanted to watch him grow and provide for him in so many ways, ways that I am not sure he will have.
But God had other plans.....
God still wanted me to learn and grow.....but in other ways.
So, Happy Birthday buddy. I will never forget you, or your sweet blue eyes, or how you would stand at Nana's door and cry when "Dada" dropped you off, or the picture of you in your santa hat, or how you loved only the meatballs when I made spaghetti. I will never forget your first trip to Bass Pro, or your orange sippee cup, or how Pop let you drink Diet Mt Dew out of his QT cup. I will never forget watching you play with Patrick at the school in the gym, or on the playground at McDonalds or how Jumps made your poop neon green! :)
I love you little guy, and that is why this week has been hard on me. I pray for you, and please know that I will always love you and pray for you.
Happy 3rd Birthday!
3 years ago (on September 17), God blessed the world with an amazing little boy. A little boy who had touched more hearts than he will ever know or remeber. A little boy that taught me how to be a mom and to open my heart and my eyes. I will never forget "Thunder" (a nickname my brother game him because of his legs, lol). I will never forget those 6 weeks that he made me "Mmmmma" and Chris "Dada". I will never forget the well he fit into my arms, the way he only liked Chris giving him baths, his favorite orange sippie cup or our first Thanksgiving with him. I will always fight back the tears when we drive past Sand Springs McDonalds, where we first met him. I will always laugh at his jacket, it said "Future Quarterback" and if you ever met him, you would know that he was not built like a quarterback, but more like a lineman! :)
I will never forget his rocking horse and how much he loved it-thank you Grammy Jackie.
Everytime I see a Christmas ornament out of place, I will think of him and how we used to hide the ornaments around my parents house.
My heart aches for him. I know he would have been an amazing big brother to the nuggets. I know that he would be all over the house, up and down the sideline and down at the barn with my dad. But he's not. One place he will aways remain, is in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or pray for him, or kiss the charm that Britt got me off him.
3 years ago, he was born to a mom who wasn't quite sure if she wanted him or not. 3 years ago, God created someone who helped me and taught me and blessed me. In 6 weeks, Thunder made me a better person. In 6 short weeks, God showed me how caring and loving a small town can be. Clothes were brought over, helping hands were given, and love was shown, all because of a little boy that was born 3 years ago. A little boy who will never know the impact he made on so many peoples lives. A little boy whose smile could light up the sky, a little boy who loved Christmas lights, dancing to music and his "Fairfax Nana." I loved him as my own. I loved him more than I thought I could. I loved him, and thought God was going to make him mine. But God had other plans....
I went from sad, to angry, past hurt, to understanding....(and not that quickly). I hated, I cried, I fought, I finally got it.
God used him to teach me, and to help me grow. I wanted him. I wanted to be his mommy. I wanted to watch him grow and provide for him in so many ways, ways that I am not sure he will have.
But God had other plans.....
God still wanted me to learn and grow.....but in other ways.
So, Happy Birthday buddy. I will never forget you, or your sweet blue eyes, or how you would stand at Nana's door and cry when "Dada" dropped you off, or the picture of you in your santa hat, or how you loved only the meatballs when I made spaghetti. I will never forget your first trip to Bass Pro, or your orange sippee cup, or how Pop let you drink Diet Mt Dew out of his QT cup. I will never forget watching you play with Patrick at the school in the gym, or on the playground at McDonalds or how Jumps made your poop neon green! :)
I love you little guy, and that is why this week has been hard on me. I pray for you, and please know that I will always love you and pray for you.
Happy 3rd Birthday!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Never grow up...
Wow. So much has gone on since I blogged last. Parker has gone from casts to Dobbs braces. Yes, they suck. They have been such a huge transition for us and the little guy. He does not like them at all. So far he has had major blisters, blood blisters and discoloring in his legs. When he screams and kicks while I put them on, I feel like the worst mom in the world. I literally have to walk away when I am done to gather myself so I don't break down and just pull the stinkers off his feet and throw them in the trash!! My mom keeps telling me that it is helping him in the long run, but the day to day is so hard when he screams in pain.
We have also experienced our first "colds" with both babies, and they are starting to cut teeth so life is eventful here at Hickory Hills.
Some upsides, we have tried oatmeal and carrots...they hated the carrots but enjoyed the oatmeal. They are attempting to hold their own bottle, and do so, for a very short time. We have transitioned from our 0-3 and 3 month clothes to our 3-6 and 6 month clothes. I never thought my premiee babies would be weighing 15.2 and 14.9 lbs respectedly. We have come such a long way from 4.1lbs and 4.12lbs .
Every night the babies listen to a CD that their TT made them, and the very last song is "Never grow up" by Taylor Swift. I used this song on my Pre K video last year, and now as I listen to it night after night, the words really begin to hit me. Life passes us by so quickly. Our snuggle bugs grow up and no longer want to be rocked to sleep, Our premiee outfits are soon stored in boxes in the garage, size 2 diapers become a little tighter and suddenly "we grow up."
I don't wish for my babies to grow up. I look forward to the milestones and memories that they will soon have and I have goals for them to one day accomplish, but for now, I will enjoy the millions of dirty diapers, the spit up, the bath times, the late nights and early mornings, for now, I will wish them to not grow up, and to keep enjoy the quiet moments that they are curled up on my chest, without a care in the world....
I love you babies and "I won't let nobody hurt you...just try to never grow up"
We have also experienced our first "colds" with both babies, and they are starting to cut teeth so life is eventful here at Hickory Hills.
Some upsides, we have tried oatmeal and carrots...they hated the carrots but enjoyed the oatmeal. They are attempting to hold their own bottle, and do so, for a very short time. We have transitioned from our 0-3 and 3 month clothes to our 3-6 and 6 month clothes. I never thought my premiee babies would be weighing 15.2 and 14.9 lbs respectedly. We have come such a long way from 4.1lbs and 4.12lbs .
Every night the babies listen to a CD that their TT made them, and the very last song is "Never grow up" by Taylor Swift. I used this song on my Pre K video last year, and now as I listen to it night after night, the words really begin to hit me. Life passes us by so quickly. Our snuggle bugs grow up and no longer want to be rocked to sleep, Our premiee outfits are soon stored in boxes in the garage, size 2 diapers become a little tighter and suddenly "we grow up."
I don't wish for my babies to grow up. I look forward to the milestones and memories that they will soon have and I have goals for them to one day accomplish, but for now, I will enjoy the millions of dirty diapers, the spit up, the bath times, the late nights and early mornings, for now, I will wish them to not grow up, and to keep enjoy the quiet moments that they are curled up on my chest, without a care in the world....
I love you babies and "I won't let nobody hurt you...just try to never grow up"
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Peace and Quiet
"Be Still and know that I am God."
Parent's of newborns long for peace and quiet-a night of no crying and a solid 5-6 hours of sleep.
Neighbors of dog lovers long for a night of no barking, a peaceful rest.
Teachers run home in hope of a few minutes of no screaming kids, or questions, they long for just a few minutes of quiet time.
We all LONG for peace and quiet. For a moment or two where we can gather or thoughts and rewind from the day. But, what if the peace and quiet only brings hurt? What about those who come home after a long day at work or with friends, to an empty home? What if the quiet brings tears because a loved one is gone? Or a friend is no longer in arms reach? What if peace and quiet doesn't help everyone?
Aunt Boo, I can't imagine walking into your home and not calling for Uncle Tom. But you are a strong woman, a woman of Faith, and you must know that even in the darkest of hours, God is with you.
To my friends who have lost babies, I can't imagine being in your shoes or how hard your daily struggles are, but know that God is your peace and strength whenever you need Him.
Miranda, when I look out across the street and no longer see your porch light or car in the drive, I know that God made us friends for a reason and He will continue to bless us with an amazing bond.
God is with us when our mind wonders...God gives us strength during the peace and quiet. He renews us and fills our heart and mind with His power and love. When we need a cry or two (or a week full of it) or when we need a little uplifting, we are reminded of God and His amazing grace for us and the love He has for us. When we begin to ask the "why me's" or "how comes" (which we all do at times, and it is only human of us to do so) God doesn't turn His back. God doesn't give us direct answers. But God tugs on our hearts and after we ask our questions, and shed our tears, He REMINDS us and He RENEWS us.
God stepped down from darkness to be the light that we need in our lives so many times. He is with us when we are teaching 24 crazy kiddos, working a double, rocking a fussy baby or coming home to an empty house.
Parent's of newborns long for peace and quiet-a night of no crying and a solid 5-6 hours of sleep.
Neighbors of dog lovers long for a night of no barking, a peaceful rest.
Teachers run home in hope of a few minutes of no screaming kids, or questions, they long for just a few minutes of quiet time.
We all LONG for peace and quiet. For a moment or two where we can gather or thoughts and rewind from the day. But, what if the peace and quiet only brings hurt? What about those who come home after a long day at work or with friends, to an empty home? What if the quiet brings tears because a loved one is gone? Or a friend is no longer in arms reach? What if peace and quiet doesn't help everyone?
Aunt Boo, I can't imagine walking into your home and not calling for Uncle Tom. But you are a strong woman, a woman of Faith, and you must know that even in the darkest of hours, God is with you.
To my friends who have lost babies, I can't imagine being in your shoes or how hard your daily struggles are, but know that God is your peace and strength whenever you need Him.
Miranda, when I look out across the street and no longer see your porch light or car in the drive, I know that God made us friends for a reason and He will continue to bless us with an amazing bond.
God is with us when our mind wonders...God gives us strength during the peace and quiet. He renews us and fills our heart and mind with His power and love. When we need a cry or two (or a week full of it) or when we need a little uplifting, we are reminded of God and His amazing grace for us and the love He has for us. When we begin to ask the "why me's" or "how comes" (which we all do at times, and it is only human of us to do so) God doesn't turn His back. God doesn't give us direct answers. But God tugs on our hearts and after we ask our questions, and shed our tears, He REMINDS us and He RENEWS us.
God stepped down from darkness to be the light that we need in our lives so many times. He is with us when we are teaching 24 crazy kiddos, working a double, rocking a fussy baby or coming home to an empty house.
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
Colossians 3:15
Monday, August 22, 2011
Blessings in Disguise
Yesterday at church, an amazing young lady sang a very beautiful song. A song that I found myself fighting back tears to. A song thats words were more than just words to me. She sang "Blessings" by Laura Story and I have to say that it is now one of my favorite songs. In the song it says:
"Cause what if your blessings came through raindrops,
What if Your healing comes through tears,
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near,
What if the trials of this life are mercies in disguise?"
Well God, once again you tug on my heart, your right hook me in the face and you welcome me to realization. Realization that life is not perfect. Life has its ups and downs. Life is not sugar coated, or chocolate dipped, its life.
After every storm in life, there are blessings. So yes God, blessings do come from raindrops.
I have cried. Cried many many times. Cried when we lost Thunder. Cried when we struggled to get pregnant. Cried when the babies were born premature. But God...once again You were right there with me every step of the way. You healed me. You renewed my faith and my strength each and every time I cried.
When we toss and turn, and stress out over the uncontrolables in life, we forget. We forget that You are in control God. We forget. But, when you remind us, we feel you, we hear you and we know that you are near...we rest easily.
What doesn't break you makes you stronger. Trials become mercies. Hills you think you cannot climb become small speed bumps.
Each and everyone of us are faced with some type of trial in life. We struggle with our own thunderstorms and rainy days, but we must never forget, no matter how hard it gets or how down and negative we become, God is near. God is with us.God covers the blessings with disguises. He does so because life is life. Life is supposed to have its ups and downs and smiles and frowns. So when we pray for blessings, and for peace...God is near. God knows. God blesses.
Speaking of blessings, the babies started going to the sitter today. What an answer to prayers. It was something that I was losing sleep over, but God heard my prayers and knew my heart. He opened up a door for us and guided us to a wonderful "Miss Ashley" that will help with the babies a few days a week. The babies are doing great. They just got their 4 month shots the other day and we had a few "thunderstorms" to speak of but they seem to be back in their groove now. Parker goes back to the specialist the 1st of September to get out of his casts!! We are so excited. He will get fitted for braces and we will wear those for awhile. Payge is becoming sassy (Chris says like her momma). She loves to just talk and talk and talk. We have them hooked on "Super Why" cartoons as of now. :)
Thank you God for my blessings!!
"Cause what if your blessings came through raindrops,
What if Your healing comes through tears,
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near,
What if the trials of this life are mercies in disguise?"
Well God, once again you tug on my heart, your right hook me in the face and you welcome me to realization. Realization that life is not perfect. Life has its ups and downs. Life is not sugar coated, or chocolate dipped, its life.
After every storm in life, there are blessings. So yes God, blessings do come from raindrops.
I have cried. Cried many many times. Cried when we lost Thunder. Cried when we struggled to get pregnant. Cried when the babies were born premature. But God...once again You were right there with me every step of the way. You healed me. You renewed my faith and my strength each and every time I cried.
When we toss and turn, and stress out over the uncontrolables in life, we forget. We forget that You are in control God. We forget. But, when you remind us, we feel you, we hear you and we know that you are near...we rest easily.
What doesn't break you makes you stronger. Trials become mercies. Hills you think you cannot climb become small speed bumps.
Each and everyone of us are faced with some type of trial in life. We struggle with our own thunderstorms and rainy days, but we must never forget, no matter how hard it gets or how down and negative we become, God is near. God is with us.God covers the blessings with disguises. He does so because life is life. Life is supposed to have its ups and downs and smiles and frowns. So when we pray for blessings, and for peace...God is near. God knows. God blesses.
Speaking of blessings, the babies started going to the sitter today. What an answer to prayers. It was something that I was losing sleep over, but God heard my prayers and knew my heart. He opened up a door for us and guided us to a wonderful "Miss Ashley" that will help with the babies a few days a week. The babies are doing great. They just got their 4 month shots the other day and we had a few "thunderstorms" to speak of but they seem to be back in their groove now. Parker goes back to the specialist the 1st of September to get out of his casts!! We are so excited. He will get fitted for braces and we will wear those for awhile. Payge is becoming sassy (Chris says like her momma). She loves to just talk and talk and talk. We have them hooked on "Super Why" cartoons as of now. :)
Thank you God for my blessings!!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Timelines
In History, you study the timelines-the time that events happend, the place they happend, when they ended, etc...
In Reading, you create a timeline-a time of sequences and events that happend, the setting, the characters, etc...
In life, you dream of a timeline-a plan you dream about, write in your journal about, insist it will happen, etc...
Well, my timeline in life has NEVER matched up with God's timeline and His plans for me. My "timeline" that I dreamed about had me living in my dream house, with 2.5 kids, a dog, and working in my dream job of being an Elementary Counselor.
Well, I am living with my parents, with my 2 kids, 2 dogs and my dream job is possibly going to be elimintated by the State Department of Education. Goodbye Timeline.
Chris has always wanted to be an Elementary PE teacher. But it was not in his timeline to get offered and hired 3 days before school started, where we would have to pack up and leave in less than a week. Goodby Timeline.
I had always wanted babies. God gave me babies, two very sweet babies. But they were on God's time. They arrived early but God had it in His plan. I would never put it in my timeline to have twins 7 weeks early with a complicated pregnancy, delivery and health problems. God knew. God had it written on His timeline.
I had dreamed of my "guy" for many years. I had searched for him. I was going to marry a tall, basketball player who was also a cowboy. Well...Chris is not very tall, doesn't really care for basketball and is the furthest thing from a cowboy. But God knew. God had it in His plans for me to marry someone who was kind, funny, sweet and loved me for me. God didn't give me Chris when I was ready, God gave me Chris when He was ready.
I went from being a Head Girl's basketball coach...living the life I had wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps for so long...to not coaching at all. Nothing. Nada. But God had it in His timeline for me to be a mommy.
God knows. God hears. God plans.
God knows we have Hope and plans for our future but God also knows what is best for us and the timing. God's timeline can outweigh any timeline you can study or come up with on your own.
So, God thank you for making me learn patience. Patience and understanding that even though I am impatient, You are not. Even though I am uneasy, you are my Rock and You are strong. Thank you God for your timeline and life and for being with us each and every step of the way.
In Reading, you create a timeline-a time of sequences and events that happend, the setting, the characters, etc...
In life, you dream of a timeline-a plan you dream about, write in your journal about, insist it will happen, etc...
Well, my timeline in life has NEVER matched up with God's timeline and His plans for me. My "timeline" that I dreamed about had me living in my dream house, with 2.5 kids, a dog, and working in my dream job of being an Elementary Counselor.
Well, I am living with my parents, with my 2 kids, 2 dogs and my dream job is possibly going to be elimintated by the State Department of Education. Goodbye Timeline.
Chris has always wanted to be an Elementary PE teacher. But it was not in his timeline to get offered and hired 3 days before school started, where we would have to pack up and leave in less than a week. Goodby Timeline.
I had always wanted babies. God gave me babies, two very sweet babies. But they were on God's time. They arrived early but God had it in His plan. I would never put it in my timeline to have twins 7 weeks early with a complicated pregnancy, delivery and health problems. God knew. God had it written on His timeline.
I had dreamed of my "guy" for many years. I had searched for him. I was going to marry a tall, basketball player who was also a cowboy. Well...Chris is not very tall, doesn't really care for basketball and is the furthest thing from a cowboy. But God knew. God had it in His plans for me to marry someone who was kind, funny, sweet and loved me for me. God didn't give me Chris when I was ready, God gave me Chris when He was ready.
I went from being a Head Girl's basketball coach...living the life I had wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps for so long...to not coaching at all. Nothing. Nada. But God had it in His timeline for me to be a mommy.
God knows. God hears. God plans.
God knows we have Hope and plans for our future but God also knows what is best for us and the timing. God's timeline can outweigh any timeline you can study or come up with on your own.
So, God thank you for making me learn patience. Patience and understanding that even though I am impatient, You are not. Even though I am uneasy, you are my Rock and You are strong. Thank you God for your timeline and life and for being with us each and every step of the way.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Are you strong in the thunderstorms?
"When the storm of life is raging, and the thunder is all I hear, you speak softly to my soul."-Kutless "Strong Tower"
As I sit in the waiting room at OU Children's Medical, I can hear and feel God speak to my soul...because I am able to fight back the tears. I am able to remain strong and still in Him. I was able to not cry in front of Parker as the nurse took him out of Chris' arms and laid in down, in his hospital gown, into the surgery crib. I am strong because of God. I am strong because I have Faith. I am strong, because I am blessed.
Anytime you think about surgery, it is scary. Especially on a 4 month old...that is your own flesh and blood. But can you imagine your fears if you didn't have a faith? Can you imagine the thoughts and feelings you would have if you were buddies with the Devil? There is no way you could survive the thunder, or storms, or waiting rooms.
Like I have said before, I don't want pity for Parker. I hurt for him. I worry for him. But what mom doesn't worry about their child? Hurt for their own? But I do not pity him.
The babies were baptized Sunday at church. It was mine and Chris' commitment as well to promise and vow to raise these babies in a Christian home and instill Faith within them. I want my babies to grow up with the Faith I had put into my heart at a very young age by my mom. I want the Nuggets to grow up believing in the Lord and knowing that even in darkest of hours, the strongest of stroms, God is with them.
So, as we sit here during this "thunderstorm" we know that God has His hands on Parker. We believe that God is with the doctors, nurses and surgeons. And we feel God sitting here in the chilly, bad coffee, over packed with loud talkers waiting room. This is our thunderstorm and we shall soon see the rainbow.
As I sit in the waiting room at OU Children's Medical, I can hear and feel God speak to my soul...because I am able to fight back the tears. I am able to remain strong and still in Him. I was able to not cry in front of Parker as the nurse took him out of Chris' arms and laid in down, in his hospital gown, into the surgery crib. I am strong because of God. I am strong because I have Faith. I am strong, because I am blessed.
Anytime you think about surgery, it is scary. Especially on a 4 month old...that is your own flesh and blood. But can you imagine your fears if you didn't have a faith? Can you imagine the thoughts and feelings you would have if you were buddies with the Devil? There is no way you could survive the thunder, or storms, or waiting rooms.
Like I have said before, I don't want pity for Parker. I hurt for him. I worry for him. But what mom doesn't worry about their child? Hurt for their own? But I do not pity him.
The babies were baptized Sunday at church. It was mine and Chris' commitment as well to promise and vow to raise these babies in a Christian home and instill Faith within them. I want my babies to grow up with the Faith I had put into my heart at a very young age by my mom. I want the Nuggets to grow up believing in the Lord and knowing that even in darkest of hours, the strongest of stroms, God is with them.
So, as we sit here during this "thunderstorm" we know that God has His hands on Parker. We believe that God is with the doctors, nurses and surgeons. And we feel God sitting here in the chilly, bad coffee, over packed with loud talkers waiting room. This is our thunderstorm and we shall soon see the rainbow.
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